User:Rainbowderp01/Heroes vs. Villains (Transcript)

[metal scraping]

Psycho Killer: I'm innocent, I tell you! Innocent!

Inmate 1: [kissing noises]

Chris: The Crusty Cockroaches have a big lead over the Soiled Stinkbombs!

Inmate 2: Cram it, McLean!

Inmate 3: [laughs]

Chris: Ooh! Lightning slips past Duncan! The heat is on! Yeah! Look at that! That's what I'm talking about! Well, well, well. Look who finally came to visit me after a whole year!

Chef: C'mon. You've finished your sentence for dumping toxic waste.

Chris: Whatever. Think I'll stay right here. Got everything I need. Including Chef 2.0. I made him from a cashew. What's this?

Chef: Your contract! The producers have greenlit another season. So, you in?

Chris: It is on!

[twinkle]

_________________________________________________________________________________________

[ shortened Theme song ]

Chris: Welcome to Total Drama: All-Stars. After my involuntary year-long "vacation", I really need to be in a familiar environment surrounded by the people I love. To hurt. [chuckles] It's a condition of my parole. Except for the hurt part. Eh? That's all McLean. So, I'm bringing back fourteen TD All-Stars to battle it out in the most dangerous, death-defying, one million dollar competition ever! And here they are now!

[helicopter whirring]

Chris: From Revenge of the Island, say hello to... Multiple Mike.

Mike: [screams]

Chris: AKA, Chester...

Mike: [deep inhale] [as Chester] Yeah!

Chris: Svetlana...

Mike: [deep inhale] [as Svetlana] Yay!

Chris: Vito...

Mike: [deep inhale] [as Vito] [screams]

Chris: And Manitoba.

Mike: [deep inhale] [as Manitoba] Crikey!

[splash]

Chris: Mike's crush, pushover, turned power house, Zoey.

Zoey: Hah, Mike!

Chris: Athletic non-supporter, Lightning!

Lightning: You call that a dive? Watch this! Sha- [grunts]

Chris: Bubble Boy Brainiac, Cameron.

Cameron: This is highly illogical!

Chris: Gregarious mutant loving gamer, Sam.

Sam: Not cool!

Chris: Challenge-throwing dirt farmer, Scott.

Scott: [screams]

Chris: Bossy bruiser Jo, who dominated until her underling turned on her.

Jo: [grunts] You're a dead man, McLean! [screams]

Chris: [chuckles] And... from our original cast, cranky know-it-all CIT, Courtney!

Courtney: This is not in my contract!

Chris: Courtney's bestie turned boyfriend stealer, Gwen!

Gwen: He wasn't her boyfriend at the time!

Chris: Broody bad boy Duncan.

Duncan: Bring it on!

Chris: Devious diva, Heather!

Heather: I hate Chris!

Chris: Lovable lame-brain, Lindsay.

Lindsay: I'm flying! [screams]

Chris: Super-fan Sierra, Total Drama's number one stalker. Uh, vlogger.

Sierra: For Cody!

[splash]

Chris: And... feral freak-show, Ezekiel!

Ezekiel: [snarling]

[all gasp]

Lightning: What?

Chris: [chuckles] Kidding! No way is that guy coming back again!

[snaps][boom]

Ezekiel: [screams]

Chris: [sighs] Man, it's great to be back.

_________________________________________________________________________________________

[all groaning and coughing]

Chris: Greetings, old friends.

Heather: [coughs] I am not your friend.

Lindsay: Aww, somebody misses her honey bunny.

Heather: Who? Alejandro? As if!

Lindsay: Oof!

Heather: I'm glad he isn't back! That handsome jerk.

Courtney: You're gonna pay for my dry-cleaning.

Chris: No, I'm not. New contracts. 'Member?

Courtney: [confessional] Sam old Chris, same old disgusting island. What was I thinking?

Chris: In fact, we've got a lot of big changes for this season. For one, the island is now one hundred percent toxic waste free.

Sam: What? I only came back to get up close and personal with some toxic goop. So I can become a kickbutt mutant like my gal Dakota.

Chris: Gee, too bad. Guess it's gonna be all pain, no game for you, huh? [chuckles] On the upside, I've upgraded your accomodations. This season, the losers still have to stay in the stanky old cabin.

[all groan]

Chris: But, the winners get to stay in the all-new eco-friendly McLean spa hotel. Complete with butler, hot tub and twenty-four hour masseuse.

[all cheer]

Chris: And in honor of your all-star status, I'm dividing you into teams based on your past performances. Heroes vs. villains.

Heather: [confessional] Obviously, I'll be on the villians team. And I'll be running it by lunch.

Gwen: [confessional] Heroes vs. villians? Guess Duncan and I won't be on the same team. Unless Chris considers Duncan a hero. [chuckles] Yeah, right.

Chris: Heather, Duncan, Lightning, Jo, Scott, and Gwen. From now on, you're the Villianous Vultures.

Lightning: Sha-team!

Gwen: What? Why am I on the villians team?

Courtney: Because you stole my boyfriend and became the new Heather!

Chris: Yeah, what she said.

Gwen: But I've done so many good things. I'm not a villain. I'm nice.

Duncan: Being bad is cool. And now we're on the same team. So that's good, right?

Gwen: I guess.

Duncan: [confessional] Oh, man. I only came back for Gwen. She better not sulk the whole time or I may as well be dating Courtney.

Chris: Mike, Zoey, Cameron, Sam, Courtney, Lindsay, and Sierra. You're the Heroic Hamsters!

Courtney: Excuse me. How are hamsters heroic?

Chris: It was that or the Heroic Hippos.

Courtney: Hamsters it is.

Jo: Wait a minute. They have seven people to our six. No fair!

Chris: I needed the seat on the plane for that Ezekiel prank. Fine, you can have the robot.

[beeping]

Scott: I thought your robot could talk.

Chris: Meh. The communication chip cacked while I was in the hoosegow.

Lindsay: Was that English?

Heather: Keep your distance, toaster. [confessional] [shudders] There is something about that robot I just don't like.

Chris: This year's challenges all nod to classics from the past. But with harsh new twists to make this the toughest Total Drama season ever! Your first challenge? Find the key to the spa hotel. And you'll do it in an homage to Total Drama's first ever challenge.