User:Rainbowderp01/The Final Wreck-ening (Transcript)

Chris: This season on Total Drama All-Stars... Fourteen competitors returned for another shot at one million dollars. Your favorite heroes and villains battled for supremacy in our most painful and grueling challenges ever! But it was the betrayals that cut the deepest. Gwen dropped Duncan. Alejandro could walk the whole time. Courtney lied about wanting to go the end with Gwen. And Mike repeatedly left his best friends in the lurch. Or was it all the work of Mal, Mike's evil new personality? In the end, Zoey won the penultimate challenge, and Gwen and Scott took a ride in the Flush of Shame. After twelve killer challenges, we're down to our final two players. Who will take home the million dollar prize? Aw, dude. [clears throat] Will it be Zoey or the evil genius formerly known as Mike? Find out right here, right now on the season finale of Total. Drama. All-Stars!

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[ Theme song ]

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Mal: [on video] [evil chuckles] [confessional] [whistling]

Zoey: [confessional] Mike's been Mal longer than I thought, but that doesn't mean that Mike's not in there. Right?

Mal: [confessional] She knows I'm not Mike, but still brought me to the finale? Oh, her devotion to Mike is touching. [chuckles] And with Mike trapped in my sub-conscious, that million dollars is mine.[evil laughter]

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[Mike's mind]

Manitoba: Here we are. Welcome to the Tower of Mal.

Vito: Uh, why ain't it guarded by bouncers and dogs or an ugly cat or something?

Mike: Mal just figured we'd never get this far. Huh. Check it out. This door's got five people on it. Five of us! This must be the right way! C'mon, let's get--  Ah! Ow...

Chester: Ah! I knew it was too easy.

[everyone grunting]

Mike: Come on. Just a little... mo-- ah! This can't be how it ends! Was everyone pushing their hardest?

[agreements]

Mike: Chester?

Chester: What? I got noodles for arms!

Mike: On three, everyone. One... two...

All: Three!

Mike: Yes! [echoes] Nothing can stop us! [groans]

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Chris: [over loudspeaker] Good morning, finalists. Meet me in the forest clearing and get ready to diet! Sorry, typo. Ready to die!

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Mal: [as Mike] Thanks again for bringing me to the finale. I know things have been--

Zoey: I didn't do it for you. I did it for Mike. And you can drop the act.

Mal: Oh, what a relief. Pretending to be that boring was really getting to me. What did you see in him?

Zoey: I'll take boring Mike over evil Mal any day.

Mal: Oh, Zoey. Don't you get it yet? There's no longer a choice. Mike. Is. Gone. And he's never coming back. [evil laughter]

Zoey: [confessional] Is Mike really never coming back? No. That's just what Mal wants me to believe. I hope...

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Chris: Congratulations on making it to the finale. It's something you'll regret for the rest of your lives, which will likely be rather short, since this final challenge is so vicious, so brutal, so savage...

Zoey: [gasps]

Chris: That our lawyers said we had to change it.

Zoey: [sighs] So you made it less dangerous?

Chris: No. But we told them we did. Ha ha, high five.

Chef: People gonna die.

Chris: Yeah, those people.

Zoey: [gasps]

Chris: Combatants, choose your weapons. So, what'll it be? Meatball bazooka? Bow and blunt-tipped arrows? A leech gun? A slingshot? Or... why is there an oven mitt there?

Chef: Uh, there was an extra hook.

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Chris: Now that you've got your weapons, you'll need them to pop these balloons. Each one contains a previously-flushed all-star.

Zoey: Seriously? Can they breathe in there?

Chris: I don't know. Ask our classic competitor Owen. He filled them.

Owen: Thanks, Chris. These double deep-fried beans really do the trick! [chuckles] Watch!

[squeak]

[pop]

Owen: Mommy.

Chris: You have thirty seconds. Any all-star you shoot down becomes your helper. And... go!

[airhorn blows]

[boom boom]

Mal: Ugh!

[pop, fart]

Cameron: [muffled screams]

[boom boom]

Gwen: [gasps] Ah!

Chris: Zoey picked up Cameron and Gwen! Mike, you might wanna start trying.

Mal: It's Mal. Zoey, why don't you take a break?

[boom]

Zoey: Ow! Uh, hey! [boom boom boom]

Heather and Alejandro: [scream]

[airhorn blares]

Chris: Time's up! Oh, intern. Go collect the helpers, please.

[all screaming]

Chris: Ooh, yeah. Probably should've tied them down.

[phone rings]

Chris: Huh. It's the lawyers. I'm gonna let it go to voicemail. Okay! Let's go!

Zoey: [confessional] If this challenge is as dangerous as Chris says, I feel bad bringing Cam and Gwen back into it. Then again, it's better than letting them float into space. And Cameron might have an idea on how we can get Mike back. If he's still in there.

Mal: [confessional] If Alejandro or Heather get in my way at all, I'll bury them alive.

Chris: Alejandro and Heather, you will be helping Mal/Mike. Gwen and Cam, you're on Team Zoey. But you four are here as helpers, only. Meaning, you can't win. Meaning no money. Zero money, plenty of pain. [through megaphone] Heather?! Can you hear me?!

Heather: Yes, Chris. I hear you. Alejandro and I are fine with the rules.