User:Rainbowderp01/Are We There Yeti? (Transcript)

Chef: Last week on Total Drama Island, those good-for-nothing campers got swept away by a rainstorm that left them stranded on a deserted island. Meanwhile, the chubby one drifted ashore in his outhouse and made a new friend that has an IQ almost as high as his. The gruesome chick built a raft for her and the delinquent, which left mouthy girl to fend for herself. Somehow, they all ended up together in a tree house confessing their sins. That's when they came up with a cracker jack plan to find out who was making the fire, but all they found was the secret location of our production crew camp. Yeah, it's me doing the recap. You got a problem with that?! Since Chris is off hosting some frou-frou rewards show, I'll be filling in as host. But guess what? I ain't happy about it, either. So sit back, shut up, and watch a nice episode of Total! Drama! Island!

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[ Theme song ]

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[birds chirping]

Gwen: [sneezes]

[fly buzzes]

Heather: [snoring] [coughs] What? Who's that? Where are we?

Duncan: How did we get here?

Gwen: Chris?

Owen: Mommy!

Chef: Everybody just shut up! How you got here is not your concern!

[helicopter whirs]

Gwen: What happened to Chris?

Chef: None of your gosh darn business what happened to Chris! I'm in charge now. And I'm gonna make you wish you were never born. Your mission is to find your way out of the forest or die trying.

Heather: You can't be serious. We will die.

Gwen: [confessional] They left us in the woods. Alone. Again. With Heather, I'd rather go swimming in the shark-infested water.

Chef: Here's how it works. Team one, delinquent and chubby. Team two, Grim and Grimmer. Everything you need is in these bags. You'll navigate your way north to base camp. The first team to tag the camp totem pole wins. And here's a tip. Better set up camp before sundown. Because when nightfall hits, you won't even see your trembling hand in front of your terrified face. Unless you got night vision goggles. But you don't. [laughs]

Duncan: Oh, please! Please don't leave us here! I'm begging you, we won't survive!

Chef: Grab a hold of your guts, soldier!

Heather: [confessional] Duncan's a lot of things, but he is definitely not a chicken. He's up to something, I can tell. And I am going to find out what it is.

Owen: This is totally bonkers! We'll be scarfed down by a grizzly!

Chef: Oh, I wouldn't worry about that. You wish you'd saw a grizzly once you meet up with ol' Sasquatchanakwa! He's one mean mamma-jamma!

Gwen: [gasps]

[helicopter whirs]

Chef: Good luck, troops! Try not to die!

Gwen: Huh?

Heather: This isn't legal! You can't do this!

Gwen: [gasps]

Duncan: Hey, Peaches, file it with the network lawyers.

Heather: Where do they think they're going? They can't survive out there. It's suicide, it's--

Gwen: Hey. I've got an idea. Let's see what happens if you shut up already.

Heather: [confessional] Okay. Nothing would give me greater pleasure than ditching her grim little butt in the middle of nowhere, but this is the wild. I need someone to shove in front of me if a bear comes by.

Duncan: [confessional] I gotta say, I was jazzed to be paired with Owen. I mean, come on, if you were a grizzly, who would you rather be dipping in barbecue sauce?

Owen: [wheezing] Where are we going?

Duncan: I just wanted to get away from the girls. Psych them out a bit, you know?

Owen: [panting]

Duncan: Okay, let's see what we got.

Owen: Yup. Yup It's all good except one thing's missing. [echoes] Food!

[bear growls]

Duncan: What was that?

Owen: We're gonna die out here!

Duncan: We'll be outta the woods in no time thanks to these babies.

Owen: You stole those from Chef? Sweet!

Duncan: What can I say? I'm a hardened criminal. With these babies, we can see as clear as day.

Owen: Hahaha, awesome. Let me see those.

[sizzle]

Owen: Ahh! My eyes! I've been blinded!

Duncan: All right, that's enough. We've got a challenge to win. Now grab the map while I figure out where we are.

Owen: Sure. But the map isn't much use without a compass, is it? Hahaha.

Duncan: Okay, the sun rose from the east which means that's north. So, camp is that-a-way.

Owen: Are you sure? I think the sun rose from over there. Which means the camp is that-a-way.

Duncan: Uh, yeah. I think you're wrong. We're going this way. Let's move.

Owen: Uh...

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Gwen: Camp is north, so we just follow the river. Easy.

Heather: Yeah. As long as we're not munched by Sasquatchamacallit.

Gwen: Would you relax? That's obviously just another stupid made up myth to scare us.

Heather: [confessional] I don't believe in Sasquatches. I don't. And they wouldn't like, drop us here in the middle of the forest if there really was one. What if we died? Would they?

[heavy breathing]

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Heather: Ugh! I'd kill for some bug spray. These mosquitoes think I'm an all-you-can-eat buffet! [gasps] Ah! I think a mosquito bit the inside of my throat! [chokes] It itches. [coughs]

Gwen: [confessional] Okay, I can't believe I'm saying this, but I think I actually miss Chris. Anything is better than Chef psychopath. Why do camp cooks always look like escaped criminals?

Heather: [confessional] Can you hear me Chris? I hope you enjoyed your little day off while we put up with your psychotic sidekick, who, by the way, wasn't even doing anything. He just ditched us in the woods!

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Chef: Pardon, monsieur, ou est le bibliotheque? Hmm. [chuckles]

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Owen: Did you catch what Chef said about the Sasquatchanakwa? That really freaked me out.

Duncan: [grunts]

Owen: Did you know that some people think Bigfoot is the missing link between humans and monkeys.

Duncan: [grunts] Really? I'd say the missing monkey is right here!

[bonk]

Owen: Ow! No, I'm serious. Witnesses say he's eight feet tall, four hundred pounds, and BO that would make you hurl chunks from like two hundred yards.

Duncan: [chuckles] Come on. If he really existed, don't you think somebody would've caught him by now?

Owen: Nah. He's crafty.

Duncan: Hey. Hey, it's the girls! And they're going the wrong way! Typical chicks with zero sense of direction! Hey, here's a pointer! Try checking a map!

Gwen: Uh, we would if we had one! But this compass tells us that's north! You know, like where Chef said the camp is?

Duncan: Ugh!

Heather: Enjoy the view up there, suckers!

Duncan: Great! Now we're behind. We'll just have to jump and dive into the river.

Owen: [confessional] After my big cliff dive on the first day of camp, I was king of the world!

[flashback]

Owen: I'm going to die now. I'm going to freaking die now. [voiceover] I conquered my biggest fear and helped my team win! It was awesome!

Leshawna: Come on, big guy.

Owen: Yeah! Oh, crap! [screams]

[huge splash]

[flashback ends]

Owen: [confessional] But then, a few days later, my fear came gurgling back up like a day old Indian buffet. [farts] [real time] Oh-ho. No, I don't do daredevil dives anymore. Been there, done that. No can do.

Duncan: Then no worries. I'll do it for you!

Owen and Duncan: [screaming]

[splashing]

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