User:Rainbowderp01/Ant We All Just Get Along (Transcript)

[ Theme song ]

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[kids humming theme song]

[all groaning]

Chef: What in the sweet apple pie is going on here? Why are you all moping around doing nothing?

Owen: Chef, we're bored!

Chef: You're surrounded by fun and games. This game is literally called "Fun: The Game".

Announcer: Have you played "Fun: The Game?" If you wanna have fun, play Fun, Fun, Fun: The Game! If you wanna have fun all day, play Fun: The Game! Fun! Fun, fun, fun! Fun! Fun: The Game!

Beth: [blows raspberry]

Owen: Yeah, what she said.

Chef: Okay, know what? Outside. Let's go. Go on, that's it. Complainers stay outside.

[thump]

Chef: Hm. Don't tell me that's not fun. [chuckles] Okay now, Chef. Don't get carried away. You'll have to give yourself a timeout.

Beth: [gasps] I found something awesome, guys!

Izzy: What is it?

Beth: I thought it was a mini volcano at first, but it turns out it's a real life anthill!

Courtney, Izzy, Jude, and Owen: Ooh...

[mariachi plays]

Beth: I love bugs. These are my fav, obvi. But ants are pretty cool, too.

Leshawna: It's just a pile of dirt. What's so great about...

[dramatic sting]

Leshawna: [screams] Bugs! Bugs! Get them away from me!

Beth: They're just ants, Leshawna! Aw, I think this one likes me.

Owen: Aw, they won't hurt anyone. Right, buddy? I bet you're hungry! Here's a crumb! One for you... another for me. I always have a little snack in my pockets for emergencies. Want one?

Jude: Yes!

Owen: It's still warm. From my body.

Leshawna: Are you crazy?! Don't feed it, squish it!

Beth: No! They're our friends!

Leshawna: Well, I'm not coming down from here until you squish them.

Beth: They can climb things, you know.

Leshawna: [screams] [confessional] Yes, I'm really scared of bugs, okay? Nothing with eyes that beady should have that many legs. If bugs were meant to be, then why did somebody invent bug zappers?

[electricity crackles]

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Chef: Yee-haw! The train goes choo choo! The plane goes fly fly! The puppy goes [barks]! Bored, my butt! [sips] If you're not having fun here, you're not trying!

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Jude: [giggles]

Owen: Woohoo!

Leshawna: Hey! If you don't squish those ants, they're gonna go right into your pants!

Courtney: I'm with her. Ants in your pants are not sanitary.

Jude: Problemo solved.

Beth: Aw, they really like your pants, Jude.

Leshawna: Out of my way. It's zapping time.

[electricity crackles]

Beth: I won't let you hurt them!

[dramatic music]

Owen: Wait! How would adults solve this conflict in a civilized way?

Male Voiceover: What you are witnessing is real. These kids are not actors. They are actual renegades willing to have their disputes settled here in the playground court!

[gavel squeaks]

Jude: Okay. I will now hear the case of Save Ants vs. Squish Ants. I'm not a real judge, so I have no idea what I'm doing. But I love the noise this hammer makes!

[gavel squeaks]

Beth: Your honor, ants are tiny, innocent creatures. They have friends and live in colonies.

Owen: Yeah, and they can carry one hundred times their weight on their little backs!

Izzy: Aww, that's amazing!

Jude: Then I rule that these ants should be--

Leshawna: Hey! I didn't get to tell you my side yet.

Jude: Do judges have to hear both sides?

Leshawna: Yes.

Courtney: Kinda.

Jude: Oh, carry on then.

Leshawna: Facts. Ants lead to rats, and rats lead to coyotes! Is that what you all want? A playground full of hungry coyotes?

Izzy: No! Coyotes are terrifying!

Courtney: And we don't know what kind of ants these are. They could be fire ants!

Izzy: [gasps]

Beth: I object! Fire ants do not fart fire!

Owen: I farted fire once, you wanna hear about it?

Beth: No! Maybe later.

Courtney: Your honor, these ants are clearly a threat to society.

Owen: Guys, come on, they're just ants. Helpless, little ants.

[squish]

[brain waves ping]

Owen: [robotic] The ants mean you no harm. We just want to live in peace and harmony.

Courtney, Jude, and Leshawna: [gasp]

Owen: Guh... what was I saying?

Leshawna: That ant just took over his brain!

Beth: That really didn't help our case.

Leshawna: I'm gonna get you, you little brain snatcher! Stay still, Owen!

Owen: No! Leave the ants alone!

Jude: Order in the court, dude!

[gavel squeaking]

Courtney: Your honor, you saw what just happened! Ants are evil!

Izzy: Oh, yeah. Talk about evil. My aunt is always pinching my cheeks. And she gives the worst birthday presents! What kind of kids needs a loofah?

Courtney: Ooh! I'll take it if you don't want it!

Leshawna: Hey! Beth is taking off with the ants! If we don't stop her, who knows whose brain they'll take over next!

Owen: Ah! They're coming! We gotta hide! Hurry, behind that tree!

Courtney: Hey, where did they go?

Leshawna: There!

Beth and Owen: Ah!

Leshawna: They've got too much of a headstart! How are we going to stop them?

Courtney: Hmm.

Female Voiceover: Cars go fast, they're so cool! Three gears of awesome, flower power seats, happy hubcaps, and the all new Cheetah Engine 2000!

[cheetah roars]

Leshawna: Oh yeah!

[slow mo]

Courtney: You drive, I'll navigate.

[click]

Beth: Hang tight, little guys!

Owen: [gasps] They're after us! And they've got a car!

Beth: This way! They'll never reach us up here!

[creak]

Owen: Oh no! Let's try up here!

[creak]

[engine revs]

Courtney: This oughtta slow 'em down!

[twirl]

[squeak]

Owen: Oh!

Beth: Wha!

Courtney: [laughs]

Owen: Oh no! We're all done for! Goodbye, little buddies.

[horn honks]

Izzy: Come with me if you want to live!

Beth and Owen: We're saved!

Izzy: I was talking to the ants. But you guys can get in if you want.

[engines rev]

Beth and Izzy: [cheer]

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Chef: Whipped cream? On pizza? Well, if you say so. Ha ha! Food fight, food fight, food fight! Ha ha ha! Daycare is the best.

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Leshawna: Ugh, hey!

Owen: I didn't know you liked ants so much, Izzy!

Izzy: I don't! I just love going really fast!

[crashing]

Owen: Is that a circus tent? [chewing] Look out!

[popping]

[honk]

Beth, Izzy, and Owen: [laugh]

[fart]

Leshawna: Ew.

[cannon fires]

[all scream]

[boing, boing]

[clunk]

Izzy: Everybody, get ready to bail!

Beth: Bail?

Owen: What?

Beth: [screams]

[crash]

Izzy: [laughs] Quick! Into the hideout!

Courtney: There! They're in the treehouse!

Beth: We're not letting you in, ant squishers!

Leshawna: [growls] Come on, I have an idea.

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Courtney: Are you sure about this?

Leshawna: Yep. Okay, Cody. We're going to launch you into the treehouse. Once you're in there, throw the bucket of ants down to us, and we'll squish 'em.

Cody: [whimpers]

Leshawna: I mean, we'll squeeze them and make them our best friends! Ready, Cody?

Cody: Ha. I was born ready-- [screams]

Beth: Hi, Cody!

Owen: Bye, Cody!

Cody: [screaming]

Leshawna: That never happened.

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Owen: But how long can we stay up here?

Beth: As long as it takes!

[squeak]

Izzy: [gasps] They're coming up! Quick, eat the ants!

Owen: What?

[sad music]

Beth: No. I have a better idea. I need a slingshot. Owen, give me your underwear.

Owen: Okay.

Beth: How did you do that?

Owen: I don't know.

Izzy: They're almost at the window!

Beth: Both of you, grab a side and pull.

Leshawna: Ha!

Owen: Goodbye, ant friends. Fly safe.

Beth: Be free, little bug friends! Live your lives!

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Girl: What a beautiful day for a picnic.We should eat outside all the t--

[whack]

Girl: [groans]

Boy: [gasps] Oh no! My wheatberry salad! At least leave the vinaigrette!

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Beth: I did it! Ants are free.

Leshawna: The bugs are gone, so I did it.

Owen: [laughs] Everyone wins! The perfect day!

Chef: Kids, come inside! It's show-and-tell time! Mack and Maisey here have been having fun with Chef all day. We heard how much fun you were having with the little anthill, so we called the pet store and brought in some new friends to look at. Scorpions!

[glass plinks]

Beth, Courtney, Izzy, Jude, Leshawna, and Owen: [gasp]

[all scream]

Cody: Run! Killer scorpions!

Beth: Uh, guys? Scorpions are our friends! They don't mean any-- ow! Chef, the scorpion pinched me! Squish it, squish it, squish it!

[credits]