User:Rainbowderp01/Mutiny on the Soundstage (Transcript)

Chris: Last time on Total Drama Action... an all-night heart-to-heart led to Courtney and Duncan patching things up, but there was a catch. And lovebirds weren't the only animals on set, as the cast were each paired up with an animal buddy to train in their image. While some bonded with their animals, others butted fins. In the end, Beth won invincibility. Duncan's vote sent Courtney packing and a timely message outed Owen as the mole, earning him a seat in the lamousine. Which brings us to the final two. Who would've guessed? And who'll be taking home our grand prize of... one million dollars? Find out right now on Total. Drama. Action!

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[ Theme song ]

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Beth: I never thought I'd be the last girl left on Total Drama Action! Yep, now it's just me. All alone in the scary trailer.

[creaking]

Beth: [groans] I miss all my girls. Even Heather!

[teeth chattering]

Duncan: [snoring] Uh? Oh, its Beth chattering again. Huh, with a face like that, I'd be scared too, huh. Right guys? Right. Nobody left to laugh at my excellent zingers. Good news is, there's also nobody left to reek up the trailer with jungle breath, nobody to wake me up with screaming night terrors. "Mommy, mommy!" And nobody with any chance of taking my guaranteed million away. Ha ha.

[teeth chattering]

Duncan: Put a blindfold on, loser! [sighs] Man, I'm never gonna get to sleep.

[gas hisses]

Duncan: What the...?

Beth: Did you say something, Duncan?!

[gas hisses]

Beth: [sighs]

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Beth: [sighs]

Duncan: [snoring]

Beth: Duncan? Duncan?!

Duncan: It's a PD day, ma!

Beth: [grunting] Duncan! I think we've been Shanghaied!

Duncan: Huh. Tight but not painful. Chef's losing his edge.

Beth: Wait! I have a plan! It's going to help make sure that one of us wins the million dollars.

Duncan: All I'm planning is to make sure that the one of us is me.

Beth: We could work together like teamsies.

Duncan: Teamsies?

Beth: Reach over to untie me, then I'll undo yours.

Duncan: Huh, sure. And then you leave me here and get a head start?

Beth: I don't have a mean bone in my body. I'm everybody's friend! I like everybody, they like me.

Duncan: Pfft, really? Even Heather? And Courtney always said you made her feel like--

Beth: Are you gonna undo me or not?

Duncan: Scooch over. [confessional] When I was a kid, ma insisted on sending me to Muskrat Boys. We had to wear doinky vests and sell apples, but all the knot-tying lessons meant I'm pretty much a Houdini at tying and untying stuff. Came in handy a bunch of ways I don't think ma had in mind.

Chef: Breakfast anyone?

Duncan: And what's today's delicious special? Roast lab rat? Snot-ghetti with booger balls?

Beth: Duncan... you better look at this.

Duncan: Wait, Chef. Is that food?!

Chef: Fresh fruit to ward off scurvy, hot flapjacks to prevent, uh, lice. Or whatever. All prepared according to my highest personal standard!

Beth: [confessional] Chef in a good mood? That's like Heather saying she's sorry! You have to take advantage of it while it's happening!

Beth and Duncan: [eating]

Chris: [pirate accent] Yarr, maties! Me parrot, Chris Jr. Jr. Jr. and I want to congratulate ye landlubbers for making it to the final two! And as ye can probably tell, today be... space zombies movie day! [normal voice] It's actually pirate movie day! And you're on deck for a swashbuckling obstacle course followed by a treasure hunt through the entire season's challenges. And if you wanna claim your million dollar booty, you might wanna rethink that all-for-one, one-for-all approach.

Beth: [confessional] Somebody has to win, right? I guess it might as well be me! To be nice, I could share the prize with Lindsay. Or with Brady, my totally real boyfriend! He already likes me heaps, but a million dollars never hurt a girl's attractiveness.

Chris: Obstacle number one, swab the poop deck.

[farting]

Beth: [gags]

[ding ding]

Chris: Obstacle number two, pun intended, grab a flag, shimmy up the greased mast, and fly your jolly roger. And finally, a cannonball! The target is the monster-chomped movie set. Ready, set, and... go!

Duncan: [coughs]

Beth: Ugh! My nostrils are burning!

Chris: I get it. The food's laced with laxatives, right? Nice.

Chef: Nope, just going out in style!

Chris: Going out? What do you mean?

Chef: That's the last meal I'm ever gonna serve on this two-bit show! I got me a gig cheffing on a swanky cruise ship, so you can kiss my behind goodbye.

Chris: Yeah, yeah. And I got a job hosting the Oscars. Very funny.

Chef: Who's laughing?

Beth: [gags]

Duncan: [coughs]

Beth: I'm totally gonna puke!

Duncan: Well, I ain't cleaning it up! Hey Chris! More swabs over here!

Chris: If our contestants think they have it rough, the people on Chef's fancy cruise ship will have to suffer through his slop with no chance of winning a million.

Chef: I don't think you wanna keep going there.

Beth: [gasps]

Chris: Looks like Duncan will be the first to finish the deck.

Beth: Duncan? Teamsies? Please?

Duncan: Ha, whatever.

[Sasquatchanakwa roars]

Chris: Looks like Bigfoot's not done yet!

[farting]

[ding]

Chris: Which means Duncan isn't either.

Duncan: Beth, teamsies?

Beth: I'm sorry, but teamsies works both ways. It's one of the rules of niceness.

Duncan: Hope you're ready then, Beth. Because the gloves are coming off! [inhales]

Beth: [confessional] So, maybe that wasn't super nice of me. Looks like I might have one cutthroat bone in my body. Just one of those teensy weensie ones in your ear. Let's call it my cutthroat cochlea. [real time] [grunting]

Duncan: Too bad nobody's around to help you.

Beth: Duncan, I--

Duncan: You think I'm gonna fall for the nice girl shtick again? Fat chance. Later, loser. Woo-hoo-hoo!

Chris: You can't bail. We're a team.

Chef: I fly solo. I'm a maverick.