User:Rainbowderp01/Brazilian Pain Forest (Transcript)

Don: Last time on The Ridonculous Race... our teams got geysered in Iceland. Ha, what fun! Then they had to either chip out a fossil or choke down an Icelandic Thanksgiving feast. The Goths came in first and went crazy. The Vegans went rogue but still came in last. Lucky for them, it wasn't an elimination challenge so they got to stay, and I found out not all girls punch like girls. I survived that, but one team won't survive today. This is... The Ridonculous Race.

[ding]

_______________________________________________________________________________________

[ Theme song ]

_______________________________________________________________________________________

Don: Here in Iceland, yesterday's chill zone is today's starting line. And yesterday's winners, the Goths, are first to get a travel tip.

[buzz, ding]

Ennui: Hm. Brazil.

Don: Sunny, sunny Brazil. Home to bossa nova music, makers of fine coffee, and other things that keep me awake at night.

[bird squawks]

Don: Teams will travel here on these chartered planes. The first eight teams take a direct flight. The last seven will arrive two hours later because they're on the milk run.

[cows moo]

Don: Literally.

[buzz, buzz, ding]

Noah: Come on!

Dwayne: Taxi! Taxi!

Owen: Taxi!

[tires squeal]

_______________________________________________________________________________________

Don: [voiceover] Our first group of teams have reached the airport, and are running to catch the first flight.

Dwayne: Good thing we're not on the old cow pie express, huh? Ha ha, all thanks to this baby. Kept it as a present for your mom.

Junior: I still feel bad about taking the Vegans' fossil.

Dwayne: Well, it was an accident. We didn't know it was theirs, pal. Besides, happy wife, happy life.

[shatter]

Junior: Well, it's the thought that counts. Come on!

[squeaking]

Noah: [interview] Owen's a bit nervous about being in a military plane again.

Owen: [interview] Can you blame me? I almost died!

[stomach growls]

Owen: [burps] Where's Beary?

Noah: [spits] You just ate him.

Owen: Ah! Oh no! Will you hold me?

Noah: I'd rather [high pitched] not!

Jacques: [interview] We failed in Iceland. Iceland. That's unacceptable.

Josee: Agreed. Last time I was this mad about where I placed, I got a new partner.

Don: [voiceover] As teams fill up plane number two, our first plane is preparing to leave.

Pilot: Sorry, folks. Flat tire. Must have rolled over something sharp.

[smack]

Don: [voiceover] In a stunning reversal, yesterday's winners now look like losers, as plane number two is in the air, on its way to Brazil.

[sheep baaing and cows mooing]

[everyone groans]

Taylor: Yeah, so no, I am not doing this.

Kelly: Come on, Taylor, they're just cows. You eat them, you wear them. It's not so bad, just be one with the cow.

[cow farts]

Taylor: Ugh! [interview] Ugh! It pooped on my boots!

Kelly: [interview] Everyone said we wouldn't last two days on the show, that we'd never survive outside of the hills. Well, you know, we may be a lot of things, but we're not quitters.

Taylor: I'm quitting.

[goat bleats]

Kelly: If you stay, I'll buy you car.

Taylor: Okay, done.

[goat bleats]

Taylor: [grunts]

Laurie: [gasps] I ate the sheep's head so we could stay in the game. But the non-elimination meant I didn't have to. [crying] I didn't have to!

[smack]

Miles: Okay, you need to calm down. What happens in Iceland stays in Iceland, okay?

Laurie: [sighs]

Miles: [retches]

Laurie: What? What?

Miles: I'm sorry. It's just that your breath smells like sheep head. [sniffs] Does anyone have a mint?

[cow moos]

Mickey: Well, they're not making us sneeze. That's something. I wonder if being near so many actual cows will affect our lactose intolerance.

Jay: I guess we'll find out.

Don: [voiceover] Flight number two has started its ascent to the Brazilian destination.

_______________________________________________________________________________________

Jay: Run!

Mickey: [aside] We have our answer. Our lactose intolerance extends to even being near cows. [stomach rumbles]

Jay: [aside] Can, can you find some toilet paper or some... [stomach rumbles] some napkins? [fart] Clean pants?

Mickey: [aside] [groans]

[buzz, buzz, ding]

MacArthur: It's a Botch or Watch.

_______________________________________________________________________________________

Don: In this Botch or Watch, whoever didn't swim with sharks in the Mediterranean must try to perform a Brazilian rite of passage, and stick their hand inside this mitt full of venomous bullet ants to retrieve their next travel tip.

[growl]

Don: This is insane.

Kitty: Bullet ants?

Emma: Little known fact. The pain caused by their venom can last up to twenty-four hours.

Kitty: Oh, great.

[growling]

[all gasp]

[tiny burp]

Mickey: Ah! [aside] I've been bitten by venomous creatures so often, I've developed an immunity. Last year on a school trip to Seaville, a box jellyfish sat on my hat.

[woosh]

Mickey: We don't high five much, it's pretty new to us.

[smack]

Mickey: Whoa!

Laurie: [screaming]

Mickey: I am so sorry!

Laurie: [slurred] No, no. I deserved that.

[all gasp]

Laurie: [slurred] What? What's wrong?

Miles: Um, nothing. Okay. "Feeling divine? Then swing your butts to the coconuts."

Don: [Tarzan yell] [grunts] Teams must cross this gorge by any means necessary. And then search for their next tip hidden in these piles of coconuts.

Laurie: [slurred] Sounds good to me. Let's go!

Miles: Oh... okay. This way!

Lorenzo: Called it! [screams]

Chet: Nuh! It's my turn to botch! [screams]

Mickey: Ah!

MacArthur: [kissing] Hey, bullet ants. Welcome to the gun show! [screams] Ah, they're on my person! They're on my person!

Taylor: [growls]

Mickey: [groans]

Kitty: Psst, he was here first. It's his turn.

Taylor: Ugh, fine. But I'm next.

Mickey: Wow. Uh, thank you.

Kitty: You're welcome.

Mickey: [sighs lovingly] [interview] Cute girls don't talk to us, unless it's stuff like "Are you okay?" "How many fingers do you see?"

Jay: [interview] "Who's your emergency contact?" "I can't understand you when you're sobbing."

Mickey: [interview] You know, stuff like that. [real time] Here.

Kitty: Thank you.

[camera clicks]

Emma: [interview] What happened to our "no alliance" agreement.

Kitty: [interview] I didn't form an alliance.