User:Rainbowderp01/One Million Bucks, B.C. (Transcript)

Chris: Last time on Total Drama Action... When Owen's jaw was unwired, it unleashed a hunger like no other! Owen stopped stuffing his face when he and Leshawna were snatched and stuffed into safes. The Grips managed to free Owen with the aroma of sweet chicken. Still mad at Leshawna, the Gaffers decided to let her rot in her cell. Quite possibly forever!

Leshawna: Yoo-hoo? Guys?

Chris: Tough guy Duncan got the fright of his life when he was faced with none other than... Courtney, who, thanks to her pitbulls -- I mean, lawyers -- is back in the running. The Grips lost, and due to a small technicality, Owen took the lamousine to the nearest drive-thru. With only eight contestants left, maybe one of them will stand a chance on another awe-inspiring episode of Total. Drama. Action!

_______________________________________________________________________________________

[ Theme song ]

_______________________________________________________________________________________

Lindsay: What about poor Owen? [gasps] Or that boy I liked, Tyson?

Heather and Beth: Tyler.

Leshawna: Girl's all lawyered up. I gotta try it. Get me the big bucks for being locked up in that safe all day.

Heather: You stole my spa day. Do the crime, do the time.

Leshawna: Wasn't your spa day. Besides, I could've starved in there, people.

Heather: I seriously doubt that.

Leshawna: And what is it you planned on doing at the spa with that wash-and-go hair?

Lindsay: Oh, no. I've got my hair in a knot! Beth, could you--

Heather: Here. Let me. [confessional] It kills me that Lindsiot has all that hair on her head when it's her fault I lost mine. I would've chopped it off, but all I had was a hairbrush.

Lindsay: Ow! Heather! I think you pulled my eyes into the back of my head!

Leshawna: Not a bad idea. With Courtney on your team, you better watch your back.

Beth: She's so bossy.

Lindsay: And it's not like we needed another know-it-all on the show.

Heather: Oh. Really?

Lindsay: Ow! I was talking about me! Now that Bossy McSmartypants is back, no one is ever gonna listen to me ever again!

Leshawna: Sorry, did you say something, honey?

Heather: [confessional] I have gotta get me some hair! Not Leshawna's gross weave or Beth's pathetic ponytail. And I'm way too smart to be Lindsay blonde. But Courtney's? Hers would be perfect. I'm just gonna borrow these, 'kay?

[snip]

_______________________________________________________________________________________

Duncan: Psh, dude, how can you spend so much time on your coif?

Justin: My agent Jesús says it's my best feature. Along with my neck, nose, chin, cheekbones, earlobes, eyebrows...

Duncan: You know who's got nice hair? Courtney. I-I mean, not that I've ever noticed.

Justin: Or maybe it's my eyes.

Duncan: And I mean, I did notice, back when I cared. But not now.

[door opens]

Duncan: You dropped your soap, dweeb.

Harold: Nice try, Duncan. Just because I'm blind without my glasses doesn't mean I'm stupi-- Wha, whoa!

[thud]

Duncan and Justin: [laughing]

Duncan: Aw, dude.

Harold: Gr... What? I'm comfortable in my own skin.

Duncan: Just keep your skin to yourself, dweeb.

_______________________________________________________________________________________

Lindsay: Ow!

Heather: Got the knot!

Courtney: Hey, girls. Isn't anyone glad to see me?

Heather: Great to have your hair. Uh, here. Here. It's great to have you here, Courtney.

[tribal horn bellows]

Leshawna: Uh, what was that?!

_______________________________________________________________________________________

Chris: [chuckles] [sighs]

_______________________________________________________________________________________

Heather: Talk about your fashion faux pas.

Leshawna: Is that boy wearing a loincloth?

Chris: Like it?

Duncan: [laughs] Oh. It hurts. A lot.

Chris: You think that hurts? Wait 'ti you hear today's challenges. Now, let's get started.

Courtney: [clears throat]

Chris: As soon as I take care of a few formalities. Thanks to Courtney's lawsuit, she'll be playing by a different set of rules.

Duncan: You said there are no rules.

Courtney: There are when you have a good lawyer.

Chris: Chef, let's get this over with. Ahem! Rule one. [reading quickly] Not withstanding the contestants are not permitted to contact with the outside world, the contestants hereafter referred to as "Courtney" may retain a personal digital assistant. A.K.A. her PDA.

Beth: What?! That's so not fair! I'm the one with the boyfriend!

Chris: Care to take that up with our legal department, Beth? Huh?

[smash]

Beth: [gasps]

Chris: Didn't think so. Rule two. [reading quickly] Whereas contestants shall continue to receive allocated meals provided by Chef Hatchet, Courtney shall be entitled to a gourmet dining experience with parties consisting of producers and myself as applicable. I hope you like lobster.

Beth and Heather: No way!

[everyone but Courtney complaining]

Chris: Let's see your lawyers get you out of this one.

Courtney: What? I'm still sleeping in the girls' trailer.

Chris: Where she will have a pure goose down pillow, extra lofty comforter, and seven hundred thread count sheets. Oh. And her own. Private. Bathroom.

[everyone but Courtney complaining]

Chris: Those are the new rules. Let's call them Courtney's rules. In honor of Courtney, who gets special treatment. And an unfair advantage.

Duncan: Nice. Our spoiled princess didn't waste any time hooking herself up.

Courtney: And you didn't waste any time hooking up with Gwen after I left.

Duncan: While I'm touched you're obviously still hot for me, my relationships are none of your business.

Courtney: You're on TV. They're everyone's business!

Duncan: Well then, the whole world knows that at least I play by the rules! Most of the time. What? Don't think you can win the million bucks fair and square?

Courtney: I could kick your two-timing butt with my eyes closed and both hands tied behind my back!

Duncan: Gonna be pretty tough to eat lobster like that!

Courtney and Duncan: [growling]

Chris: While I'm loving this show of hostility, I think today's challenges will help bring out your more... primal instincts. Today's genre? The period movie!

Beth: Ooh! I love period movies! All the pretty petticoats with dresses and puff sleeves!

Heather: Do we get wigs?

Chris: Chef! Do we have a wig?

Heather: Ugh. It smells like raw meat.

Chris: That's because our period is the paleolithic period, which I thought you dum-dums might have guessed from my... loincloth.

Lindsay: Paleo Lipstick? Is that a new brand?

Beth: It's the stone age. We're going to be cavegirls.

Chris: No talking. Cave people grunt and look confused, which means for once, you're all perfectly cast.

Heather: As much as I want hair, I am not putting that sick thing on my head.

Chris: No problem. You look pretty savage anyway.

Heather: Wait!

Chris: Okay! Cave people in prehistoric flicks do two things. Make fire and use tools made of bones. Technically, you should also know how to bring down a mammoth with a stick, but since Owen's no longer here, no mammoth, no challenge. Here are your costumes. Get into character, people.

Duncan: You've gotta be kidding.

Chris: I never kid. [chuckles] Actually, I do. But never about something this funny.

Courtney: You'll look perfect, Duncan. You're already a total neanderthal.

_______________________________________________________________________________________