User blog:Usitgz/Total Drama ON A TRAIN! Episode 2: No Train, No Game - Part 2

Episode
All of the contestants excluding Sophia, Jake, Yusuke, and Lisa are stunned into silence for a few long seconds.

Gracie: On… a train? So, we’re going to be riding this train for the whole season?

Chris: You can bet your favorite pair of socks on that!

Lisa: How long did it take you to think of that name?

Chris: Hey! I’m not a fan of the name, either.

Ryan: I mean, I’d prefer staying on a train over going to an island in the middle of winter.

Joshua: And the train looks to have plenty of room for all of us!

Chris: Let’s just say that looks can be deceiving. Hehe. Anyways, who’s ready for a tour of the Total Drama tours Canada Express?

''Carter and Sophia immediately raise their hands. Everyone else looks less than amused.''

Chris: Our first stop is the Caboose…. of Shame!

''Chris opens the door docked at the station in front of the mat, and enters. The cast filters in after him. Inside, the Caboose of Shame has a peanut gallery that can fit six people give or take, a small compartment to cast votes, and a podium.''

Chris: This is where the first elimination ceremony will take place!

Sophia: First elimination ceremony? That’s awfully specific.

Chris: Ding! Ding! This girl gets it! Once a contestant gets voted off, everyone else will exit the caboose immediately! The eliminated contestant will get locked up in here, and detached from the rest of the train. We don’t want any stowaways this season. Right Yu-soo-ke?

Yusuke: *looks slightly annoyed* I would never do something as disrespectful to the laws of this game as escaping elimination.

Chris: Dude! Do you really expect me to trust a ninja?! Any-who, let’s get this tour onto the next stop!

Yusuke looks incredibly offended, and is about to counter, but before he can, he gets cut off.

Ryan: Now that you mention stopping, are we going to be on this this train the whole season? Please tell me we’re going to stop at some point over the next three weeks.

Chris: Excellent question! We most certainly will! One of the requirements we had to fulfill to get this season green-lit is to make it educational! So, all of you will be learning the exciting history of this magnificent country, one stop at a time, each and every episode! Doesn’t that just pump you guys up?!

Gracie: I’m sure that you couldn’t have possibly thought of a more twisted way to torture us.

Hope: Yeah! If I would’ve known that we’d be spending our time here doing boring school stuff, I would’ve spent my winter break doing something more productive. Like painting! Or sculpting! Or choir! I’m missing Christmas caroling season for this!!

Chris: Did you guys forget why you’re all here? *Chris pulls out a briefcase* One! Million! Dollars, baby!

Kayla: You make a good point, but where did you get that briefcase from?

Chris: Trade secret! It’s one of the many reasons why no one else, ever, can do what I do. Now, let’s get on to the next car, before I lose my patience!

Chris marches into the next car, and everyone files in after him.

Jake: This room is completely the same as the last one!

Chris: Correct-a-moon-doe! There’s one of these cabooses for every one of you, except for the final 2!

Ellis: Uhm… Isn’t it kind of dangerous to strand cabooses across the railways? How do we even exit these things if we get locked in?

Chris: How many trains have you ever seen in your life?

Ellis: 3… no, no… I think I’ve seen 4.

Chris: And I think that answers your first question. As for your other question, well. That’s on you guys! *Ellis gulps* Hopefully that puts a bonfire into your belly big enough to compete. We don’t want any quitters this season. Right, Lisa?

Lisa: *snorts* You really must not give a s***, if you think I would ever quit.

Chris: Whatever. Let’s vamonos to the next point of interest.

Chris exits the car, and we cut to him entering a gaudy car.

Ryan: *mildly exhausted* Did we really have to walk through all of those cars? Why couldn’t we just have entered the first or second Caboose of Shame?

Chris: It looked like some of you guys could use the exercise. Especially you! *Ryan rolls his eyes*

Joshua: There’s no way you’re talking about me!

Chris: Congratulations. You’re right. Have a cookie. *Chris pulls out a cookie*

Joshua: No thanks! My body is on a strict no-cookie regiment.

Cater: Can I have the cookie, then?

Chris: No. *Chris throws the cookie onto the floor and crushes it with his foot, Carter looks equally crushed* And much like that cookie, this is the car you’ll end up in when your team crumbles! To your right are three compartments containing two loveseats that can accommodate two people somewhat comfortably, and two your left are three restaurant-style tables with two chairs a piece!

Sophia: This place doesn’t seem half bad. What’s the catch?

Chris: Unluckily for me, production wanted this season to be a bit less fun than the previous seasons.

''The vast majority of the cast is relieved at this revelation. Hope jumps up in joy, while Salem looks disappointed.''

Chris: Yeah, yeah. Let’s not rub salt onto the wound. Onto the next trolley. *The gang exits the loser car, and enters a rather plain one* This is the Conf Cab! To your right are the bathrooms, and sandwiched in-between them is everyone’s favorite confessional imported straight from Pahkitew Island! On your left is the all-you-can eat bar!

Salem: And what spectrum of food morsels might we expect this food bar to excrete?

Chris: None other than Chef’s world-famous slop! Thankfully the higher ups didn’t mandate a better diet for you guys. *The contestants groan* Fortunately, you all get to be some of the first people to taste test Chef’s Twice-a-roo! It’s Chef Hatchet’s brand-new topping that’s guaranteed to make any food taste so good you’ll have to eat it at least twice.

Gracie: Judging by all of the former contestants’ reactions to Chef’s previous concoctions, I seriously doubt that.

Carter: Speaking of Chef. Where exactly is he? I thought we would’ve run into him by now.

Chris: You’ll find out soon enough! Now, my upstart drama-lings you are free to use the confessional, so if any of you have something to get off your chest, right now, feel free to get inside. Don’t forget to line up, we need some kind of order in this crazy show.

Lisa: *CONF* (*Writing in a notepad* Finally, some alone time to put to paper the stupendous verses that have been swirling through my mindscape.)

Joshua: *CONF* (So, my plan right now is to lay low and play up the jock role. People should underestimate my mind, and then I’ll take them out with a subtle juke right in front of their eyes.)

Ellis: *CONF* (Looks like this’ll be the place I’m going to be doing business while I’m here. *taking out his earrings* I can’t believe I forgot to take these out. I guess I’m just so used to them being in there.  Hopefully no one besides her noticed them.)

Sophia: *CONF* (There’s no way someone can have a firmer handshake than me.  I’m a politician-in-training! It’s a requirement to have the strongest handshake in your region.  I didn’t take Political Gestures 201 for someone with no formal education to beat me.  I’m going to have to keep a close eye on him.)

Yusuke: *CONF* (Chris McLean is nothing short of a ninja-phobe. We shinobi are born more honorific than he could ever hope to be. He’ll soon learn what it means to disrespect the Ninjutsu Way.)

Gracie: *CONF* (I saw what happened to that quirky ninja. I don’t know how, but that Salem guy has to be responsible for it somehow. He might think no one noticed, but what goes around comes around. He’ll expose himself sooner or later, and when he does BAM! The hammer of righteousness will strike him down.)

Salem: *CONF* (What a quaint and out of place outhouse. Why would anyone confess their secrets and thoughts to a camera? It would be just as useful as confessing their pitiful sins to me.)

Ryan: *CONF* (*bending over* Just a twist to the left… and there. That should do it. *Sits up and pulls out a PDA out of his shorts* Testing 3… 2… 1. *turns on the PDA showing himself sitting in the confessional* Perfect. All your secrets are become mine! That sounded cool… right?)

Chris: Geez! How long are you going to take in there?!? We’ve still got some more touring to do! Episode can only be 22 minutes long, dude! *Ryan briskly slithers out of the confessional* Finally! You do know that you have a perfectly functional bathroom that you can use right over there. *Chris points to the boy’s bathroom, Ryan ignores him and looks the other way* Time to throw this tour into turbo drive!

Chris quickly struts into the next car with the cast quickly following him in.

Chris: These are the first-class compartments. Three to my left and three to my right. They each have a bed, a microwave, and a fridge full of bottled water! This is where the winners of the challenge will reside.

Jake: Do the winners get any erm… higher quality food, or are we still stuck with the slop?

Chris: Nope! It’s Chef’s quintessential slop all day every day while you ride the Total Drama tours Canada Express. *Jake frowns* I’ve got to take any opportunity I can to make your days just a little bit worse. Moving on… *Chris shepherds the lambs into an over-the-top posh cab with two large compartments on both sides of the train* This is where my co-host and I will be staying, and this will also be the only time you are ever going to be in here.

Lisa: Chris. Give up the ghost. We all know Chef is your co-host. He’s always been, and he always will be. Without him, Total Drama would produce no glee.

Chris: Sorry, but all Total Drama really needs to succeed is my beautiful face.

Chris strikes a pose framing his face with his hands

Hope: If that’s all the show needed to succeed, then why was it on hiatus for 7 years? Personally, I think it was the art direction! Pahkitew had some of the blandest architecture I’ve ever seen for a manufactured Island. I would spice it up by-

Chris: *He closes her lips, then rolls his eyes* Enough banter! Let’s just meet the co-host already! *Chris opens the door separating the host’s car from the lead locomotive to reveal a grizzled-looking man in a conductor uniform working on the train* Meet Conductor Sickle! Our brand-new co-host! He’ll be operating this beast of a machine!

The contestants are surprised, as Conductor Sickle continues working on the train oblivious to those witnessing his work

Ellis: Has he just been here the entire time we’ve been touring? I didn’t think it took that long to get a train prepared.

Chris: Yup! The dude’s a workhorse! Although, it’s hard to tell if he’s working hard or hardly working, sometimes.

Carter: If he’s driving the train, then shouldn’t his name be Engineer Sickle? Conductors are the overseers of the train, not the driver.

Chris: Nope! He’s Conductor Sickle. The brand has already been established and the merchandise is already printed too late to change it now! We’re going to need to sell lots of his plushies if we’re going to make a profit. *Chris laughs to himself slowly devolving into repressed tears* S-SICKLE!

Conductor Sickle notices Chris and turns around from his work.

Conductor Sickle: Hey Chris! You okay? Oh, and hi children! Nice to meet you! I’m Conductor Sickle! I hail from the proud land of Nova Scotia! Seeing you all reminds me of my family. *He pulls a picture of his family from his wallet* Here’s my wife Esmerelda! And these are my two boys, Tito and Burrito! I hope I’ll get to know all of you well enough to be considered friends!

The contestants are awestruck from his kindness and awkwardly introduce themselves to him before saying their ‘see ya laters.’ Chris ushers them back into the first-class as the train starts chugging.

Chris: Alright, now that we’ve all met Conductor Sickle and have concluded the tour, all you guys have to do is chill out until we reach our first destination. Let’s see here… I’ll let the Beavers stay here in first class, while the Geese get the loser trolley.

Joshua: Awesome! *pumps his fist into the air*

Kayla: What?! Why?

Chris: Because I said so! This is my game, my rules. Well… as long as it isn’t something production said I’m not allowed to do anymore. I’m going to be relaxing in my room. I’ll see you cats when we reach our destination!

''Chris swiftly exits first-class. The Geese, defeated, trudge to the loser’s trolley.''

Yusuke: Alright, fellow warriors of the goose! My name is Yusuke, not Yu-soo-ke. I am a Jonin, and the heir to the highly revered Fuhma Clan. *Yusuke quickly bows* Any shinobi that returns has a plan in mind when they start a mission. So, we need to forge our own road map to success, if we are to accomplish victory!

Kayla: Yeah, no. It’s bad enough that we’re stuck in loser land. I’m so not dealing with this Carruto crap. I’ll be in MY room; you guys can key me in with your “important info” when we get to wherever we’re going. Later. *Kayla walks into the middle compartment and slams the door shut behind her*

Gracie: What’s her problem? Anyways, first things first, let’s assign rooms. I’ll be with Hope. One of you guys are going to have to share a room with her *points to Kayla’s door* if this is a long trip, so who’s going to volunteer?

After a period of silence, Salem shrugs, then raises his hand.

Salem: I don’t really need to sleep…. in a comfortable place, so I’ll take the metaphorical shot.

Ryan: *a beep goes off in his pocket* If you’ll excuse me, I’ll be in our room. I’ll be needing some uhh… privacy. Sorry, Yusaku. *Ryan rushes to his compartment and clumsily closes the door*

Hope: Oh, I’ve got an idea! How about we decorate this place! It’s color palate is a complete eyesore!

Gracie: That’s a great idea! I’m sure that would boost team morale! Why don’t you start in our room! I’ll join you after I have a quick talk with Yusuke, here. Salem, would you like to assist her?

Salem: An opportunity to gaze upon the works of one’s most deceitful inner demons is an opportunity I’d never pass up!

Hope skips gayly into her compartment, as Salem follows her, amused.

Gracie: *whispering to Yusuke* do you remember when we first met, and you tripped.

Yusuke: Most Certainly! I haven’t messed up that jutsu since I was wee genin. I must have been flustered by your mere presence.

Gracie: *sarcastically* Your complements are certainly flattering. *seriously* But, I don’t believe that’s the truth. I don’t know how, but I just know that Salem did it to you. His facial expression changed noticeably and his arm movement was way too dramatic. After that, your positioning changed. It’s too much for me to think it’s a coincidence.

Yusuke: Hmm… interesting. What do you suggest we do?

Gracie: I’ll stay with Salem and Hope, and keep an eye on him to see if he does anything suspicious. Can you use your shinobi skills for some tactical espionage on the Beavers?

''Yusuke smiles, nods, then disappears in a flash of black as the door to the Conf Cab quickly opens and closes. Gracie then walks confidently into her compartment to meet up with Hope and Salem. ''

[TIME REWIND]

''The Beavers watch with a tinge of pity as the Geese slump out of first-class. As soon as the door closes behind them, one of them opens their mouth. ''

Sophia: Team meeting, now!

Everyone else on the team stands around expecting her to continue.

Ellis: So... err... what do you want to talk about, Sophia?

Sophia: My job isn’t coming up with talking points. I just tell everyone what to do.

Jake: Since when do we have jobs?

Sophia: You don’t remember? We talked about it. I’m the leader, you’re my adviser, Joshua and Ellis are our bodyguards, Carter is the discussion creator, and Lisa can be the scribe. Isn’t that right, Carter?

Carter: R-right. *Jake looks at them skeptically* Anyways, I’ve got to bow out of this meeting. Dooty calls!

Carter speeds into the Conf Cab.

Sophia: Alright, since our discussion leader is absent… Joshua! Do you want to take up the mantle on a temporary basis?

Joshua: Yeah, sure, why not? Alright! Our team is going to kick their butts! We’ve got all the strength, all the smarts, and all the umm… Lisa! *Lisa glances at him befuddled* It would be a miracle if the other team ever beat us in a challenge. You can say their goose is cooked… and it’s already on the plate getting served! Ha! That reminds me of a story from my middle school b-ball days. We were playing the Southern Ontario Ragin’ Gooses….

Carter: *CONF* (*rubbing his temples in frustration* Oh my God! My teammates are insufferable. It’s going to be quite a challenge to keep up this façade. Joshua won’t stop boasting about his “amazing” exploits on the basketball court, and Ellis is a nervous wreck. He’s gotta be hiding something BIG! Jake seems to be your run-of-the-mill naïve do-gooder. He’s gonna learn how tough the world is sooner than he could ever imagine.  Sophia is nothing more than your basic bossy b****. Lisa is the hardest to get a read on, though. She hasn’t said much outside of understandable vitriol to Chris. I’ve got to keep an eye on her.)

Joshua: …And that’s when they passed the ball to me with ten seconds left. I lined up and took the long-rang shot and nailed it! Silver Foxes win 68-66 in triple OT. But that’s just one of many accolades I’ve acquired on the court.

Ellis is enraptured by Joshua’s story, while everyone else is bored out of their minds.

Ellis: That’s so cool! It kinda reminds of when Pruce Tree killed Kommander Kong while he was on the brink of death in Xiao… err I mean Fire Fists of Vengeance!

Joshua: You’re a Pruce Tree fan?! I love almost all the movies he’s in!

Ellis: Almost? You’re not a true fan if you don’t like all of his filmography!

Joshua: Even Space Fu? I didn’t know anyone could like that dumpster fire.

Ellis: You should watch the original Chinese cut umm... just google Wai Taikong Zhanyi. They edited it into a sloppy mess when they brought it to the west.

Joshua: Why Ty-kung What? You’re going to have to show me how to spell that later.

Sophia: Enough fangirling! Scribe! Jot down to never let Joshua create discussion points ever again, and throw in Ellis for good measure.

Lisa looks at her in disbelief, sighs, and pulls out a pen and paper.

Jake: Did you even ask her if she wanted to do this?

Lisa: *blushing* N-No, it’s fine. It’s not that big of a deal. See! *Lisa quickly writes what Sophia told her to write and hands it to her, then she notices that Carter has just returned* I’ve just got to make a quick pit stop! *She quickly dashes out the door, shortly after she crosses the threshold, a black flash comes in from the other side*

Carter: How’d the meeting go?

Sophia: Terrible! All I’ve learned is that this team’s biggest weakness is an apparent lack of bladder control.

Lisa: *CONF* (*Scribbling furiously in her notepad* Out of nowhere! A glorious knight draped in white! A man-muse to end all hunks. So gorgeous I could almost blow chunks.)

Sophia: So… now that all of us that are relevant are present, we’ve got to discuss the weak link on our team. She’s so bad at talking to people, a weakling at challenges, and a prolific liar. Are we all in agreeance that she needs to be the first to go?

Carter: Yeah, she seems shifty to me.

Joshua: As long as it isn’t me, I’m cool.

Ellis: Umm… yeah… that’s okay, I guess.

Jake: Seriously? We’ve barely had a chance to meet each other. How could you possibly know she does all that?

Sophia: Is she really the hill you want to die on? All the rest of us are in on it. Do you want to put an even bigger target on your back?

Jake: Ergh… I’ve got to think about it. *walks into his room rubbing his forehead in frustration* *CONF* (Why the heck did they lie to me? They seemed so chill when I first met them.  Then, Joshua and Ellis fell into line without any resistance. I just don’t understand.)

Sophia: *CONF* (Textbook target placement. Politics isn’t won by who has the best resume. It’s lost by those who have the worst, even if those negatives can be forged rather easily.)

[TIME SKIP]

''The Beavers have all went to their respective rooms, while Hope, Salem, Gracie, and Yusuke (who joined them half-way through) have just finished up decorating the loser trolley. The Geese flag is hanging above Kayla’s door and Hope’s painting is mounted on the opposite side. Hope/Gracie’s compartment and the entire main area of the car are painted purple and covered in an irregular pattern of white swirls. Unexpectedly, A blaring announcement comes over the loudspeakers.''

PA: EMERGENCY! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! EVERYONE REPORT TO YOUR ROOM AND BUCKLE IN WITH YOUR SEATBELTS! THIS IS SERIOUS! YOUR LIVES ARE AT STAKE! PLEASE REPORT IMMEDIATELY!

''As the Beavers and Kayla are already alert and in their room’s furniture they simply buckle in. Gracie and Hope quickly rush into their room and do the same. Yusuke teleports into his room shocking Ryan who was transfixed by his PDA, promptly dropping it. Yusuke buckles in and Ryan realizing the situation, picks up his PDA, puts it in his pocket, and buckles in. Salem simply lays down and relaxes onto a nearby table. ''

Salem: Tch. Took them long enough.

The screen fades to black as Salem laughter resounds.

[COMMERCIAL BREAK]

Announcer: It’s 1999, and 2 brothers have to prove just how strong their bond is with each other …………………’s Super Spentendo! Watch as Jorn and Thorn Hamlin journey through time to rescue their most prized possessions in…. Brothers Stranger! Coming to a theater near you 2-2-22. Look Out! Every ticket purchased from an officially licensed cinema includes a coupon for $1 off the purchase of the Super Spentendo Classic. Arriving 4-4-22.

Chilly Gaze: Chilly Gaze here and I’ve got a product that I love and you’re going to love just as much as much as me! It’s Chef Hatchet’s Twice-a-roo! Put it on your steaks, bagels, or even a dead animal on the side of the road and it’ll taste so good you’ll not just want to eat it twice, you’ll have to! Just listen to this testament from one of the many proud users of Chef Hatchet’s Twice-a-roo!

Trent: *Puts the topping on a bagel, and takes a bite* Hmm… Actually, that’s not that bad…. Wait…. I take that back. *Barfs back onto his bagel*

Chef: *Offscreen* Now you’re gonna eat that, boy. Or you’re not getting payed.

Trent: *wipes his mouth* Yeah… sure….

Chef: *Offscreen* What’d you just say to me?

Trent: Yes, sir.

Chilly Gaze: *Watches in sheer horror as Trent does the unthinkable*

Chef: *Pushes Chilly out of the way* Buy Chef Hatchet’s Twice-a-roo! Cause where’s the fun in eating it once-a-roo?!

[BACK TO OUR REGUARLY SCHEDULED PROGRAM]

''CRUNCH! A thunderous noise resounds throughout the entirety of the Total Drama tours Canada Express as it comes to an uncomfortable rest. After a few tense minutes of waiting the first brave souls emerge.''

Gracie: *unbuckles her seatbelt, then timidly gets up* Hope! Are you alright?

Hope: Yeah…. I think so.

Gracie: Good. Let’s get up and see how the others are.

Gracie helps Hope ''unbuckle her seatbelt, before they open their door and head out of their compartment. The main area is a complete mess with Chairs and Tables scattered everywhere, all except for the table that Salem is laying upon.''

Hope: Salem!? What? How?

Salem: I was hoping for a better show, but this was quite the disappoint.

Gracie: Now’s not the time to spout nonsense! We’ve got to make sure everyone else is okay!

''As Salem slowly stands up, an out of place BAM pierces their ears. The door to the middle compartment pops open with exceptional speed.''

Kayla: What the h*** was that? *notices Hope, Salem, and Gracie* Hey! Are you guys alright? Where are the two coocoos?

Gracie: We’re fine! C’mon we’ve gotta check on those guys!

''The four of them knock on Ryan and Yusuke’s door, then after a couple of seconds of no response, they force the door open. Yusuke is in the fetal position and Ryan is shocked still. Hope runs up to Yusuke, while Kayla strides over to Ryan.''

Hope: *shakes Yusuke* C’mon Yusuke! Snap out of it! Yusuke! Yusuke! Yusuke! *Eventually Yusuke looks up tentatively and recognizes his surroundings and slowly calms down*

Kayla: *inspects Ryan* Don’t worry, my dog used to do this thing all the time. *punches him in the gut, and Ryan reacts immediately* Works like a charm.

Ryan: *clutching his stomach* Ugh… thanks, I guess.

[MEANWHILE IN FIRST-CLASS]

''Two doors open simultaneously, as Sophia and Jake emerge. ''

Jake: Glad to see you’re okay.

Sophia: Likewise. Divide and conquer?

Jake: Sounds like a plan to me.

''Sophia runs to Carter’s door, as Jake runs to Lisa’s. They press the button to open them, and enter.''

Sophia: Carter! Are you okay?

Carter: I’m fine.

Carter gets up shakily and walks out into the hallway.

Jake: Are you alright, Lisa?

Lisa: Oh, sweet savior! Have you finally arrived to whisk me away?

Jake: Lisa! This is serious! Are you feeling okay?

Lisa: … Yeah.

Jake: Phew. I was scared there for a second. C’mon, let’s go check on the others.

''Lisa unbuckles herself and follows Jake as he dashes to Joshua’s door. Strange noises are coming from Joshua’s room.''

Jake: Joshua?! We’re coming in!

''Jake bursts down the door, and Lisa follows him in. Joshua is hiding under the covers.''

Joshua: IS THE MONSTER GONE?!?

Jake: What monster? There’s no monster.

Joshua: THEN WHAT MADE THAT AWFUL NOISE?!?

Lisa: It appears that the train has crashed.

Joshua: OH. Alright. Uhhh…. Don’t tell anyone you saw me like this… please.

''Joshua collects himself and walks out of his room with Lisa and Jake. As Sophia is about to open Ellis’ door, Ellis beats her to it, and walks right into her.''

Ellis: Oh! Sorry! Are you alright?

Sophia: Oww… my head. *rubs her forehead* Err… I’m fine. Fine. *turns to see the rest of her teammates * Great to see everyone’s okay! Let’s get off this train, and find exactly what happened.

''Both teams exit the train at the same time from the emergency exits located on each of their cars. The front of the train is smashed into a giant boulder blocking the railroad. To their left, Chris McLean is standing on a snow-covered hill with a shadowy figure in a black full-body cloak beside him. Both teams embark on a quick exodus from train to where Chris is.''

Chris: 10… 11… 12. Looks like everyone made it out alive. Congrats.

Lisa: Congrats?!? That’s all you have to say!? That was obscenely dangerous! You said we were going to be on that train for the whole season! It’s completely destroyed! What are we going to do now?

Chris: Wow. Surprised you didn’t attempt to force a rhyme into that rant.

Lisa: I’m more than just a poet! You see th-

Ryan: Chris, please. You didn’t even answer her question. On top of her question, I have my own. Why is Conductor Sickle wearing that cloak?

Chris: Fine. We don’t need that lame train. As for Conductor Sickle…

Hooded Figure: Surprise, sucka!

''The figure removes their hood revealing a familiar face wearing a toque blanche. The vast majority of the contestants gasp.''

Sophia: Chef!?! Then, where’s Conductor Sickle?

Chris: He’s fine… or at least he should be. Chef, go get him. He should be in his seatbelt in the front of what’s left of the train.

''Chef grumbles to himself as he walks to the front of the train, then opens the emergency exit and looks inside. Rapidly, he pulls back with a look a sheer horror plastered across his face. He turns around to Chris and shakes his head side to side while war flashbacks fly through Chef’s head. Chef collapses as he grasps his head. Salem snickers to himself, as the camera zooms into a hair growing on his chin.''

Chris: That’s…. unfortunate. Does anyone have any experience examining crime scenes?

Many contestants are struck by grief as no one knows how to respond to this.

Chris: Hmm… we’ll just say that his seatbelt malfunctioned. That should get us some insurance money.

Gracie: Unfortunate… insurance money? That’s all you care about! A kind, thoughtful person with a family just died and all you care about is getting money from it! You’re… you’re a monster!

Chris: A Monster? I’m no monster! I’m the one and only Chris McLean! Charming, handsome, and charismatic. I am the face of Total Drama. I am the only person who can host this show. I am the one who makes the rules. I don’t answer to anyone. If Toen and his group of yes-men think that just because they bought the rights and financed this season that they can decide what I can and can’t do, well they’re wrong. This show won’t be educational, I won’t be nice to my victims, and there’s no way that they’re going to take away my Chef and replace him with some lame theme-related knockoff. No, no way, I am Total Drama. I make the decisions, and all of you will abide, or you’ll be out of here faster than you can say “Tune in next time on Total! Drama! Train Wreck!”

Votes
Conductor Sickle - Salem (1)

Audition Tape
Conductor Sickle is standing in the locomotive of the train

Conductor Sickle: I'd like to thank Toen and the rest of the producers for giving me the oppurtunity to co-host this season of Total Drama. I may be a conductor and not an engineer, but I hope I can do my family proud. I know all of you will be watching! Now, if only they would have told me I'd be driving this train before thy hired me...

Authors Notes
I hope you got some form of entertainment from this episode. Sorry for the delay and excessive length, it went on longer than I was anticipating. I've got the boot order set, with some wiggle room for the characters from 10th-1st if I feel like changing any of their storylines. Hopefully you'll enjoy the twists and turns of this wild ride of a season.

Polls
Who do you think is going to be the first boot? Carter Ellis Gracie Hope Jake Joshua Kayla Lisa Ryan Salem Sophia Yusuke Who do you think is going to be a finalist? Carter Ellis Gracie Hope Jake Joshua Kayla Lisa Ryan Salem Sophia Yusuke Which theme do you like more? ON A TRAIN! Train Wreck