User:Rainbowderp01/Mediterranean Homesick Blues (Transcript)

Don: Last time on The Ridonculous Race... teams travelled to Paris where their wills were tested, their artistic limits were pushed, their bravery was challenged, and Owen ate more cheese than scientifically possible. In the end, it was the Police Cadets who locked up first place. But for Tennis Rivals Gerry and Pete, it was game, set, somebody light a match, because man, whoo! Did they stink. Who will stick it up today? Oh, they've all got potential. Stay tuned, 'cause it's time for... The Ridonculous Race!

[ding]

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[ Theme song ]

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Don: Yesterday's chill zone was the Louvre, which is today's starting point. Teams will start in the order they finished, which means Cadets are-- whoa, whoa, whoa. Yesterday's winners go first, ice-capades.

MacArthur: Yeah, relax, Silver Streak.

Sanders: Wait your turn!

MacArthur: [interview] I got my eye on those Ice Dancers. Give them an inch and they'll take the whole race.

[buzz, ding]

Sanders: "Take the train to Calanque de Maubois on the Mediterranean coast and search the station for your next travel tip." Come on!

Don: Teams must take the train South to Calanque de Maubois. Calanque de Maubois skirts the Mediterranean on the south of France with sand so fine, you want it to get in your shorts. The Red Cliffs are just one of the many sights that make this a popular tourist spot, Did I mention that the beaches are awesome? Because they are. Ah!

[buzz, ding, ding]

Geoff: Go!

[buzz, ding]

Devin: [gasps] Hey! Gimme that back!

[loving music]

Junior: H-Hey, uh... [deepens voice] Hey. I-I'm Dwayne.

Carrie: Hi, I'm Carrie.

[loving music]

Dwayne: Nice to meet you. Dwayne Sr. I see you've already met Junior. This kid, ha ha. What a great little guy.

Junior: Dad!

Dwayne: I mean, he acts up sometimes, but that happens as they hit puberty.

Devin: Come on, homie.

Carrie: All righty. Good luck to you.

Junior: [groans] [interview] My dad always finds a way to embarrass me.

Dwayne: [interview] Oh-ho-ho, come on, that's not true, son, eh? You're just being self-conscious. Oh, before I forget, I washed your lucky undies.

Junior: [interview] Aw, dad!

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Sanders: Taxi! Taxi? Taxi! Ugh, so many cabs, why won't they stop?

MacArthur: No prob. I got this. Halt!

[cars crash]

MacArthur: Police! We are commendeering this vehicle, maggot! [innocently] Got one.

Sanders: [interview] I'm a little concerned. MacArthur can be kind of, um... aggressive.

MacArthur: [interview] What? I dare you to say that again! Ha ha, I'm kidding, lighten up. Seriously, do it! Lighten up!

Jacques: [panting] The subway! It's the fastest way to the train station!

Brody: [interview] Our strategy's pretty simple. Instead of figuring out how to get somewhere ourselves, we just follow a team that's smarter than us. And pretty much everyone is smarter than us. So, yeah.

Brody and Geoff: [interview] Wicked!

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[rock music plays]

Kitty: All right, teammate of mine, let's have some fun!

Emma: No...

[buzz, ding]

Emma: Let's not have fun, let's come in first for a change.

[buzz, ding]

Emma: Train station, let's go!

Kitty: Woohoo, fun!

Emma: Stop it!

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[car speeds]

MacArthur: I need directions, Sanders.

Sanders: There's no map in the glovebox!

MacArthur: Time for bad cop.

[tires screech]

MacArthur: Train station! Directions! Now!

[car speeds]

Dwayne: Hey. Way to go, son. Heh, wasn't sure you'd be able to keep up with yours... yours truly. [panting] Heh... wha... okay, just... [panting] Hold up.

Sanders: There it is!

MacArthur: Saw this in a movie once. Hold on.

[tires screech]

Sanders: [screams]

MacArthur: This is for parking in a fire zone.

Sanders: [interview] Can you give a ticket outside of your jurisdiction? What? What's this? "Excessive complaining". That is not an actual offense!

Don: [voiceover] While Owen and Noah are the last to take off from the starting line, the first five teams are about to leave the station.

Junior: Come on, dad!

Dwayne: [panting]

[train whistle blows]

Don: [voiceover] The rest of the teams race to catch the next train south.

Jen: [interview] The south of France is where the most glamorous people in the world hang out. It's like Paris, with glossier lipstick.

Tom: [gasps] Oh! No! Please, please, please tell me I have it! Phew! Got it. Spray tan?

Jen: You even have to ask?

[spraying]

Mary: Take LeBront to Canal.

Ellody: Canal to Germaine.

Mary: Germain to Belmont.

Ellody: Turn left on LeGrande.

Mary: Reverse on to Bureau.

Ellody and Mary: And u-turn back to LeGrande Sunkirk.

Ellody: [interview] We weren't exactly "popular" in high school, but memorizing street maps of every urban center is just as fun as going to parties.

Mary: [interview] Or dates. Or being a cheerleader, or taking non-science electives, or...

Ellody: [interview] Our choices are paying off. We can outthink all the other teams.

Mary: [interview] Boom.

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Chet: [panting]

Lorenzo: [blows raspberry] [interview] I took the subway, he took a taxi.

Chet: [interview] Can you tell Lorenzo that the time he wasn't with me was the best part of the trip so far?

Lorenzo: [interview] Oh yeah? Please tell Chet that before he was in my life was the best part of my life so far!

[thudding and grunting]

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Kitty: Hey, can you take a picture of me and my sister?

Emma: This is a race, Kit, not a vacay.

Kitty: Just one picture of my big sister in France! [singsong] Paris!

[camera click]

Emma: Ugh.

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Mary: Your skin pigmentation looks like it's recieved too much dihidroxyacetone.

Ellody and Mary: [laughing]

Don: [voiceover] As group two waits at the train station, group one has just arrived at the beach.

[train whistle blows]

Dwayne: There's the Don box!

[buzz, buzz, ding, ding, buzz, ding]

Dwayne: It's a Botch or Watch. Who's turn is it?

Junior: Yours. What's the challenge?

Brody: "Who wants to swim with..." [gasps] Sharks?!

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Don: In this Botch or Watch challenge, whoever didn't draw the caricture in Paris must swim to this part of the Mediterranean and retrieve a travel tip from the dorsal fin of a great white sha-- ah! D'uh... try that again, you'll get a taste of this, huh? Wanna dance with the widowmaker? Ah!

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Sanders: "Note, eaten teammates will result in disqualification."