User:Rainbowderp01/A Mine Is a Terrible Thing to Waste (Transcript)

Chris: Last time on Total Drama: Revenge of the Island... we saw how clueless our players are when it comes to fashion. And how useless they are when it comes to rescues. In the end, Sam got the toss-a-roo, and Scott and Jo got tossed onto opposite teams. [to Dakota] You call that buffing? I wanna see my ruggedly handsome face in every toenail! Who will thrive and who won't survive?

[helicopter whirring]

DEP Man: [over megaphone] This is the Department of Environmental Protection! You're busted, McLean!

Chris: Aw, man. Meddling tree huggers. Launch Operation: Doomsday. Repeat, Operation: Doomsday! Over! What is Operation: Doomsday, you ask? Find out right here, right now on Total. Drama. Revenge of the Island!

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[ Theme song ]

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Brick: [grunting]

Lightning: Let Lightning show you how it's done! [grunting] Think the new guy can do this?

Brick: Who, Jo?

Lightning: The men of Team Dude are gonna be unbeatable! Sha-finally!

Jo: [confessional] Hey, Chris McLame, guess what? You can make me swap team, but you'll never break me. Now I get the girl's side of the cabin to myself. And I can finally work out like the ancient Olympians. Naked. [real time] [grunts] 882. [grunts] 883. [grunts] 884! [grunts]

[bird vomits]

Jo: 885! [grunts]

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[helicopters whirring]

Jo: Hey, soggy drawers. Looks like we're on the same team again.

Brick: Not quite. You're on my team now. And if you don't do as I say, you'll be the next person to go home.

Jo: We'll see about that, Major Drippy.

Brick: Three rules! Follow them or you're gone. One. Never leave a man behind! Two, what Brick says, goes. And three, no more nicknames like Dampy Pants, Your Wetness, or Sir Leaks-a-Lot.

Jo: Fine, fine, we'll play it your way, Captain Whiz.

Brick: [growls]

Jo: Heh, sorry. Force of habit. All right, let's get this disgusting joke we call breakfast over with.

Cameron: We can't! Chef's not here and neither is breakfast.

Lightning: Sorry. Lightning needs meat. M-E... uh... E. Come on, we'll make our own breakfast.

Mike: There's no food in the fridge!

Zoey: Nothing in the cupboards either.

Chef: We should check in the walk-in freezer!

Lightning: Hey, yeah, the freezer! Sha-bingo! Meat-cicle! [eating]

[all gasp]

Lightning: Hey!

Chef: Challenge time, suckers! [chuckles]

Cameron: This is highly unorthodox!

Zoey: Where are you taking us?

Chef: You'll see. Ha ha, ow!

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[truck beeping]

[all yelp]

Chris: Good. You're here. Finally. Today's challenge is to find a golden Chris statue in your team color hidden somewhere in this old abandoned mine. First team back wins!

Lightning: Sha-done and done. Go Team Dude!

Jo: Are you sha-blind? I'm not a-- [grunts]

Chris: Don't worry. There are enough packs for everyone!

Cameron: [groaning]

Jo: What'd you put in them, rocks?

Chris: Uh-buh-buh-buh-buh. No peeking. Those fifty-pound bags are purely for your torment and my amusement. Enjoy.

Cameron: Chemical badges? Why do we need to measure our exposure to toxic waste?

Chris: No reason. Except that I rented the mine out to store hazardous material.

[all gasp]

Anne Maria: Whoa. Whoa whoa, are you demented?

Chris: No. Which is why I'm in a studio right now.

[all groan]

Chris: Relax. It's perfectly safe. For thirty minutes. When your badge turns orange, you have fifteen minutes left. Red is your five minute warning and if you see a skull and crossbones, we'll dedicate this episode to you. But no way is it gonna come to that. I sent Dakota down there for forty minutes, and she's gonna be fine-ish.

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Dakota: Eh? Where am I? [screams] No! Chris is a dead man! Ah!

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Chris: Now move it, peeps.

Zoey: Can you at least give us a hint about where to find the statues?

Chris: Funny story. The statues have gone missing. Someone or something down there must've taken them.

Brick: Uh, i-is it well-lit down there?

Chris: It's a mine, bro. Pitch black. All the way. There are flashlights and fireflies inside. First come, first served. Anywho, time's a-wasting and so are your healthy blood cells. So go!

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Lightning: [panting] Yeah! Lightning comes in first! Sha-bang! [echoes]

[rumble]

Lightning: Ahh!

Scott: Ha! Enjoy the elimination ceremony!

Jo: Smooth move, Sha-Duh!

[creak]

Cameron: We got the flashlights!

creaking]

[all scream]

[thud]

Zoey: Ugh, is everyone okay?

Mike: I think so.

Scott: My back!

Cameron: The flashlights!

Zoey: Look! A tunnel! Should we try it?

[screeching]

Mike: Looks good to me!

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Jo: That elevator is not coming back up.

Lightning: I can't lose again! I can't!

Brick: [gasps] I know! We'll shimmy down!

Jo: Leaders first!

Brick: Hup!

[creak]

Brick: [gulp] Come on, let's go!

Jo: Here! You'll need this!

Brick: Hey, thanks! [screams]

[metal screeching]