Thread:Stryzzar/@comment-30926951-20150301152152/@comment-24152851-20150302021523

Hi Izzy, been a while since we talked. Thanks, I appreciate the compliment. Anyway I had a look at the page, pretty good start, especially impressed by the images. Though there are a few pointers I can give:

In some sections there is a bit too much detail. For instance "Australian Rivals" and "French Talent Contest", every single action the character do seems to be listed. Remember an interaction page isn't a transcript, and such fine detail isn't required. If I wrote an interaction for Alejandro and Jose in Suckers Punched, I wouldn't go: "Alejandro swings a left, Jose dodges. Jose hits Alejandro in the chest, Alejandro lurches back ..." .etc

I would sum it up to something like: "Alejandro and Jose begin to fight, and at first they're evenly matched, but Alejandro gets the upper-hand." For a large portion of those paragraphs, Welly can condense at least 3 sentences into one.

Another thing I noticed is, the sentence structure is a bit repetitive. Try to avoid beginning each sentence with "Anne Maria (insert verb)..." "Amy (insert verb)..." "Anne Maria (insert verb)...", and vary it a bit. For example, in "French Talent Contest" for the line: "Anne Maria tells Amy that she needs better style clothes, as she dresses up as the sister she hates, being Samey. Amy finally snaps at Anne Maria, and tells her that she looks like she got washed up on Jersey Shore."

I could sum it up as: "Anne Maria and Amy get into a dispute over their choices of fashion, and a fight ensues between the two girls."

Hope that helps. Good luck with the pages. :)