User:Rainbowderp01/None Down, Eighteen To Go - Part 1 (Transcript)

Don: This is Toronto. The capital of North America. Birthplace of funk, where the albino panther roams free.

[panther roars]

Don: Beneath my manly size 13 brogues, eighteen teams are arriving at this historic train station ready to embark on a race around the world. I'm your host, Don, and this is the Ridonculous Race.

_______________________________________________________________________________________

[ Theme song ]

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Don: Welcome to the Ridonculous Race. Right now, eighteen teams from across the country are readying themselves to embark on a race to the death.

[earpiece feedback]

[insdistinct voice]

Don: Not to the death? Okay. Let's meet the teams that aren't racing to the death.

_______________________________________________________________________________________

Don: Carrie and Devon, Best Friends.

Carrie: [interview] I met Devon in the sandbox. and we haven't spent a day apart since. If anyone can win this race, it's us.

Devon: [interview] Yeah, I know Carrie so well. Heh, it's like we're... w-w-what, what are you doing?

Carrie: [interview] Oh, uh... blink check.For the camera. Heh, whoo! Race!

Don: Kelly and Taylor, Mom and Daughter.

Taylor: [interview] So, A, I'm really hot, obviously. And B, I'm pretty much the best at everything I do, so unless my mom messes things up, we're totally gonna win this race.

Kelly: [interview] Taylor and her friends love when I hang with them. I'm known as the "cool mom". [chuckles] We're so tight, people always mistake us for sisters.

Taylor: [interview] Wait, what?

Don: Emma and Kitty, actual Sisters.

[camera flashing]

Emma: [interview] I'm studying international law, so that's gonna give us a real edge. Which is good because, we're here to win.

Kitty: [interview] And to see the world, meet hot guys, and have some fun.

Emma: [interview] If there's time for that, which there won't be, so let's focus on winning, okay?

Kitty: [interview] Ugh.

Emma: [interview] Good.

Don: Crimson and Ennui, two exceptionally pale teens.

[thunder crack]

Don: Okay, that's just unnerving. Owen and Noah, seasoned Reality TV Participants.

Owen: Yeah! Whoo! Don't leave me hanging! [interview] Noah and I met on Total Drama, and we've both been on tons of reality shows since then. Like Meltdown Kitchen, and Scare Tractor, and Fashionista Flip Flop!

Noah: [interview] Don't know how you got on that one.

Owen: [interview] [laughs] I'm just so psyched to be reunited with my little buddy. Come here!

Noah: [interview] [strained breath]

Don: Mickey and Jay, identical twins that are use to overcoming adversity.

Mickey: [interview] We've both been through a lot, but we're not cursed. Whatever's right before cursed. Uh, that's us.

Jay: [interview] Like, when I was six, I fell into a burrowing owl's nest, and one of the baby owls flew into my ear. To this day, everything on this side sounds like "Hoo. Hoo. Hoo."

Mickey: [interview] We're constantly fighting adversity, and overcoming it.

Jay: [interview] Sorry, we gotta switch sides. You're just "Hoo. Hoo. Hoo."

Don: The totally in love Daters, Stephanie and Ryan.

Ryan: [interview] Stephanie and I met at the gym two months and six days ago. And we've been going steady ever since.

Stephanie: [interview] We're so excited! Neither of us has ever travelled before. There's so much to discover, like, what do chocolate protein bars taste like in China?

Ryan: [interview] I was just wondering that!

Stephanie: [interview] No way.

Ryan and Stephanie: [interview] [kissing]

[train hisses]

Don: Josee and Jacques, Ice Dancers.

Jacques: [interview] We know how to win. We won gold everywhere!

Josee: [interview] Except the Olympics. He dropped me, so we got silver.

Jacques: [interview] Dah! I don't want to talk about it!

Josee: [interview] Jacques! Silver is his least favorite color.

Don: Geoff and Brody, lifelong friends and Surfer Dudes.

Geoff: [chuckles] Going around the world on someone else's dime. Sweet! Hey, Bridgette! Ha, love you, babe! [interview] My girl and I did Total Drama, but she's surfing her way around Australia right now, so boom! Entree, my bud Brody.

Brody: [interview] Yeah, guy, bros forever! G and B for the W.I.N.

Don: Right this way, teams. Over here! Also competing, Dwayne and Dwayne Jr, Father and Son.

Dwayne: [interview] Oh, I spend a lot of time at the old office there, so, uh, this race is the perfect chance for Junior and I to squeeze in a little father-son bonding time. [chuckles] Right, buddo?

Junior: [interview] Uh, yeah, sure, dad. Hey, um, are there any other kids my age in this thing?

Dwayne: [interview] Oh, uh..

Don: Sanders and MacArthur, ambitious Police Cadets.

MacArthur: [interview] We're tough as nails, and we'll go to the extreme to win this thing!

Sanders: [interview] Definitely, as long as we don't break any international laws.

MacArthur: [interview] I'm okay with breaking a few.

Don: Lorenzo and Chet, new Step Brothers.

Lorenzo: [interview] My dad married his mom last year, but we still hate each other! So they're making us do this. Jerks!

Chet: [interview] Don't call my mom a jerk, jerk!

Lorenzo: [interview] Shut your wordhole, jerk!

Don: Also racing, Tom and Jen. highly attractive Fashion Bloggers with impeccable taste. I told you not to let the teams write their own cards.

Jen: [interview] Hey, hey, to all our blog followers out there! Wish us luck!

Tom: [interview] I bet Jen we could win the race, but I didn't think she would actually take me up on it.

Jen: [interview] I put my mind to something and it happens.

Don: Rock and Spud, the Rockers.

Rock: [interview] Spud wasn't sure about doing this, 'cause he's not super fit or good at much of anything. Except rocking out! [plays air guitar] So I said, "You just rock, bud. I'll carry you." [playing air guitar]

Don: Laurie and Miles, granola-loving hippie-dippie friends.

Laurie: [interview] We want to win so we can donate to our favorite charities. Save the Hunchback Walrus, Goat Milk Eco-Warriors. People for the Ethical Treatment of Ants. So many great causes.

Don: Ellody and Mary, scientific Geniuses who say they will use their winnings to support the community.

Ellody: [interview] Astrophysics is underfunded. Reality shows offer monetary prizes. Conundrum solved.

Don: Leonard and Tammy, dedicated live-action role players, whatever that is.

Leonard: [interview] Pahkitew Island was tough, but with Tammy's new spells, huzzah! We'll claim the dragon's eye! That's dwarvish for one million.

[ocarina plays horribly]

Don: And Gerry and Pete, retired bro tennis players and friendly rivals.

Gerry: [interview] We're both very competitive. But for half a mil each, game on!

Gerry and Pete: [interview] [laughing]

Pete: [interview] Maybe we'll get some new sponsorships. Anyone need a pitchman for seniors laxatives...

Gerry and Pete: [interview] Call his agent. [laughing]

Don: Welcome, contestants! This is the starting line for your twenty-six part race around the world. Each part ends at a chill zone. Get there fast, because the last team to stand on the carpet of completion may be cut from the competition, but the first team to reach our last chill zone will win one. Million. Dollars.

[all cheer]