User:Rainbowderp01/Backstabbers Ahoy! (Transcript)

Chris: Last time on Total Drama: Revenge of the Island... Ten campers went on a scavenger hunt. That was spooky. And very very painful. Ha ha. Anne Maria and Vito sucked face, and just when we thought it couldn't get any weirder, Arachna-Izzy showed up to do an eight-legged tap dance for a captive audience and her buddy Chef. In the end, Brick left five teammates behind and volunteered for a dishonorable discharge. But I put him on the opposite team instead. Hey, it's my show. I can do what I want. Watch! [snap]

Dakota: [snoring]

[splash]

Dakota: Ah! Where am I?! Ow! Ow! [continues under]

Chris: Who will ride the Hurl of Shame next? How many times can I laugh at them before then? Find out right now on Total. Drama. Revenge of the Island!

Dakota: [groaning]

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[ Theme song ]

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[birds caw]

[snoring]

Scott: Man, shark, get away!

[trumpet plays]

Scott: Oh! Oh!

Sam: My ears!

Lightning: I'm up, coach! Lightning's up!

Scott: What's happening?!

Lightning: Out of my way!

Scott and Sam: Ah! [grunt]

[trumpet stops]

Brick: [grunts] Ah... Rise and shine, soldiers!

Sam: So... how 'bout that new guy? [confessional] Man, my ears haven't rung like that since I played Guitar Band 9 on maximum rockness. [chuckles]

[video game noises]

Lightning: [confessional] There I was on the one yard line, ready to score a touchdown to win the Super Bowl, when the new guy's alarm clock went off! If he wakes me up one more time like that, he's gonna get struck by Lightning!

Scott: [confessional] Show you what I'm gonna do to Brick. Hyah! Hyah! Hyah! Ha ha.

[muffled trumpet]

Scott: [confessional] What the...? Oh!

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Mike: [snoring] Oh, all right guys, settle down. [as Svetlana] Stick the landing, Svetlana. Practice makes perfect ten, hi-yah.

[thud]

Mike: [as Vito] You're goin' down, Twinkle Toes. [as Chester] I've had it with you punks!

Cameron: Fascinating. [confessional] So far, I've documented three separate personalities within Mike. He's like a walking, talking psychology textbook. And it's a total page turner!

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Brick: Morning, fellow teammate! Need assistance chopping wood?

Dawn: You don't have to help just because you were teased a lot as a child.

Brick: Wha-- who told you that?

Dawn: It's right there in your aura. Between your bladder control issues and your need to be dominated.

Brick: I don't need to be dominated. I'm large and in charge!

[whistle blows]

Jo: Ten-hut!

Brick: Sir, yes, sir! [grunts]

Jo: Playing patty cakes with the new playmates, huh? Well, enjoy the honeymoon, G.I. Joke. 'Cause today, we're bringing the pain.

Brick: Negative that! Your platoon has zero morale! That's what happens when you lose your best soldier!

Jo: Listen, Brick for Brains! We don't need you. I'm a champion sprinter, shotputter, and squat thruster. And I'm whipping the rest of these limp noodles into shape.

Cameron: "How to do a push-up. Step one, lie on the ground. Step two, push up." [strains] [farts] [grunts] Oh...

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[video game noises]

[stomach grumbles]

Lightning: Time to refuel! [screams]

Sam: Dude, sounds like a shaman warlock cast a screaming spell on you.

Lightning: Lightning was robbed!

Sam: What'd they take? Your weapons or your armor?

Lightning: My protein powder!

Sam: Oh. Yeah, that is totally worth freaking out over. Probably, heh.

Lightning: Scoopy, I will find the monster who did this. Lightning swears it.

Scott: New guy shows up, protein goes AWOL. Do the math.

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Lightning: There's protein in this, right?

Chef: [growls]

Dawn: Your chi is looking shrunken.

Lightning: Chi?! Which muscle is chi? Whatever, doesn't matter. Lightning does not do shrinkage. Gimme that! [chomping]

Chris: [over loudspeaker] Attention, campers! Breakfast is cutting into precious time that you could spend getting injured! [chuckles] Grab your swimsuits and meet me at the dock! Pronto!

[groaning]

Chris: [over loudspeaker] You have ten seconds to exit the mess hall before I release... the raccoon!

Anne Maria: The raccoon?

[all laugh]

[raccoon roars]

[all scream]

Lightning: [humming] Hey, where y'all going? Oh well. More for Lightning! [eating noisily]

[raccoon growls]

Jo: What's the matter with you? That thing could have killed us!

Chris: [chuckles] Nah. Only if you got between him and food. Hm. Team Rat, still looks like you're missing a player!

Lightning: [screams]

Chris: Never mind!

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Chris: All right, here to help get today's competition underway, say hello to one of our classic competitors, Bridgette!

Bridgette: Let's get this over with. Remember, my contract said "demonstration only".

Chris: Relax, no demo needed. Just chum the water with our intern, Dakota. And try not to get eaten.

Dakota: Ew! What is this stuff?

Chris: Leftovers. From last season.

Dakota: Gross! Whoa!

Bridgette: So not cool!

Chris: Challenge part one! Each team must get a pair of water skis in an underwater mission, or drown trying. One victim-- I mean, camper... will snag the skis in an old school diving suit and float them to the surface while the rest of their team pumps them oxygen. First team to surface their skis wins and gets an advantage in part two.

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Jo: Listen up, maggots! I'm diving!

Anne Maria: Hey, oh! What are you sayin'? None of us can do it?

Cameron: [grunts] Jo makes a solid point.

Jo: Listen to chicken legs, get busy pumping air, and don't make me use my whistle.