User:Rainbowderp01/Maori or Less (Transcript)

Don: Last time on The Ridonculous Race... our bunny-hunting bonanza saw the Ice Dancers bag, bully, and back-bite their way into first place. Dumped Devin took a trip down denial until Carrie pushed him into phase two of the seven stages of breakup, blinding rage. But the worst crash and burn belonged to the Step Brothers and the Rockers. Both teams lost in our nasty, and by nasty, I mean fantastic, double elimination. With only nine teams remaining, things are heating up. Who's about to get burned? Time to find out. This is... The Ridonculous Race.

[ding]

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[ Theme song ]

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Don: Welcome back to beautiful New Zealand, where the Ice Dancers are about to take today's first tip.

Jacques: [interview] Making a fake albino bunny might be unsportsmanlike, but...

Josee: [interview] Whatever! After six horrible finishes, we're finally back in the lead! I can taste victory! And it is delicious! [evil laughter]

[buzz, ding]

Josee: "Go Go on the Loco!"

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Don: Teams must climb a dangerously steep path to this tran station, then take an historic ride through New Zealand's lush mountains all the way up to Decision Junction, where their next tips are waiting.

Stephanie: Faster, Ryan! We're gaining on them!

Ryan: I'm not slowing you down! They are!

Stephanie: Move it, ice nerds! Your frozen butts are in our way!

Josee: What are you going to do about it? Yell some more? Take your best shot. I may turn the other cheek.

Stephanie: [yells]

Ryan: [laughs] Burn!

Stephanie: [interview] That's not how you support your partner, Ryan.

Ryan: [interview] [laughs] Come on. You got owned! [laughs]

Stephanie: [interview] [growls]

Junior: Come on, dad, we gotta make this train!

Dwayne: Heh. Don't worry, sporto. I checked the schedule and--

[train whistles]

Dwayne: Aw, come on! [panting]

Don: [voiceover] Train number one leaves with the Haters, Goths and Ice Dancers.

[smack]

Stephanie: [laughs]

Junior: Aw, pus buckets!

Dwayne: Language, mister! Hey, listen, we'll get the next one, eh? Heh heh. Let's play a game while we wait. I'll shuffle.

Junior: Thanks anyway, but I'm just gonna listen to some music.

Dwayne: Oh. Um, okay. [aside] Oh sure, a million bucks would be sweet, but uh, I came for some quality time with Junior. Heh, yeah the kid'll be off to high school soon. Yeah, soon it'll be driving lessons, dating, prom, college, oh! My little bird's leaving the nest!

Junior: I'll take this Maori tattoo magazine! And uh, got anything on how to chill out an embarrassing dad? Aw, thanks! "New Zealand parents, get your ankle biter to do what you want."

[wind blows]

Dwayne: Whoops.

[smack]

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Noah: I told the producers,"You make Owen eat that butter, he's gonna blow." I guess barfing on the other contestants is okay. But barfing on the host? Not so much.

Emma: I can't believe they kicked you guys off just for that. Ugh, so unfair.

Kitty: [interview] I'm so glad Em's giving love another shot!

Emma: [interview] You're not worried at all then?

Kitty: [interview] No! I know how important winning is to you, and you've learned from your mistakes. This time, you'll take it slow.

Emma: [interview] Right. My love life will not become my sole focus. Even if Noah is hilarious and does that adorable squinty eyebrow waggle thing and has the butt of a Roman god. [getting more excited] Oh my gosh, when are we gonna have our first kiss? I haven't even-- What?

Noah: Have you seen that new show, Alligator Bite? We're thinking about auditioning, maybe you guys should too.

[loving music]

Owen: [crunching] I love happy endings.

Kitty: What are we stopping-- oh!

Geoff: Comin' through, dudes!

Emma and Noah: Whoa!

Emma: Not so fast, party boys! Go, go, go, move it!

Brody: [interview] We had to catch this train no matter what. But I feel bad for Emma and Noah. They were almost in Smooch City.

Geoff: [interview] Bro, if that happened to me, my girl Bridge would put me in the doghouse for weeks.

Brody: [interview] Aw, dude, you'd be so in the doghouse that you would be in the dog's doghouse.

Brody and Geoff: [interview] [laughing]

Geoff: [interview] True that.

Brody and Geoff: [interview] Boom.

Noah: [interview] Ugh, if I ever see the Surfer Dudes trying to kiss, I'll be sure to interrupt them.

Owen: [interview] [giggles] Uh... hm.

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Don: [voiceover] Train number two leaves the station with Father and Son and the Surfer Dudes.

[train whistle blows]

Dwayne: Hey, whatcha readin', pally?

Junior: Um, uh, a local tattoo magazine.

Dwayne: Oh, that's my boy. Soaking up the culture. Heh heh. No tattoos!

Geoff: Hey, Father and Son dudes! Righteous! All aboard the bro train.

Brody and Geoff: Woo woo!

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Don: [voiceover] Up at Decision Junction, the first three teams are already arriving.

Stephanie: Come on!

[buzz, ding]

Josee: It's an Either Or.

Stephanie: "Jump down or jump around."

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Don: In today's Either Or, teams can either bungee jump down off the Kawarau Bridge and catch a local Maori fish with their bare hands...

[static]

Don: Or teams can jump around, to perform a traditional Maori haka. A warrior's challenge dance designed to terrify anyone subjected to watching it.

Dancers: [grunt]

Don: It's effective. Once teams successfully complete this Either Or, it's a footrace to today's chill zone. Last team to arrive... say it with me now, may be cut from the competition. Why didn't any of you say it? I said say it with me.

Stephanie: Jump down! Come on!

Josee: [interview] The Haters would rather jump to their possible death than face us in a dance competition.

Jacques: [interview] Maybe they're not as dumb as they look. Maybe.

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Geoff: He zips me into a board bag while I'm snoozing...

Brody: [simultaneously] And I put him in the airplane luggage belt thingy!

Geoff: [simultaneously] And he put me in the airplane luggage belt thingy!

Surfer Dudes and Junior: [laughing]

Dwayne: Yep. It's official. He'd rather be with his cool new "bros" than his uncool old dad. Uh, Brody? You got a sec?

Brody: Yeah, sure, man, what's up?

Dwayne: Junior really looks up to you guys, so um, how do I, you know... eh, be like you?

Brody: Let's say you're surfing a wave. If you try to control the wave, you'll stiffen up and totally bail. You gotta chill, loosen up, and let the wave do its thing. You get me?

Dwayne: Yeah! Thanks!

Geoff: [interview] Dude. You should be like, a guidance counselor or something. Seriously.

Brody: [interview] Thanks, man.

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Emma: I have a plan to get us all to the finale, as an alliance.

Noah: I love the way you say alliance.

Emma: Okay, first off, regular team meetings to work through any competitive feelings that arise and to discuss Kitty and Owen's behavior.