User:Rainbowderp01/I Love You, Grease Pig! (Transcript)

Chris: Last time on Total Drama Pahkitew Island... it's an all new season with an all new island, and all new victims! I mean, competitors. Ha ha. Two incredible teams were created. And by incredible, I mean incredibly weird. The first challenge was to build themselves a home, and the Kinosewak's tree fort was a hand down winner. When compared to Team Maskwak's useless and unbalanced wizard's tower. And for doing nothing but making annoying noises and well, being annoying in general, Beardo was the first one to be fired away in our Cannon of Shame debut. So, what can we expect first during our second challenge? Find out soon on Total. Drama. Pahkitew Island!

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[ Theme song ]

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Jasmine: [snoring] [yawns]

[thud]

Amy: Ugh, what are you doing?

Jasmine: I'm going to forage for some food.

Amy: Oh. Forage? Is that dangerous? Do you want some help?

Jasmine: Four hands are better than two.

Amy: Samey! Wake up!

Samey: Huh?

Amy: Go with Jasmine and get me some food! And don't be all lazy like you were when you were born. [confessional] After I was born, mommy and I had to wait seventeen minutes for Samey to come out. Ugh! Can you imagine? If I could've walked, I would've left without her.

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Leonard: It was then that our party encountered a vicious Umber Colossus! Luckily, I had enough mana to banish it with a displishment spell.

Sugar: Mr. Wizard, I never understand half of what you say. That's how I know you're smart.

[Ella]

A harrowing tale of dungeons and dice

Infesting a monster that just wasn't nice

Sugar: Shut your song-hole, dressy! I wasn't done talking to the wizard!

Ella: Mm.

Sugar: [confessional] Oh, Sugar's on to Ella's "nice girl" performance. She better watch her step. Nobody but me is winning this here pageant!

Dave: Um, maybe instead of making up stories and--

Leonard: You doubt my word? It happened!

Sky: What Dave means is that we should focus on finding a legitimate shelter.

Dave: We used rocks as pilows last night, heh. Very unclean rocks.

Leonard: Pfft, I levitated all night.

Ella: [vocalizing]

Dave: [confessional] Am I on the right show? Or did I land on my head when I fell from the zeppelin? Is that it? I'm unconscious, and this is all a nightmare?

Sky: [confessional] This is my team. And if we don't win some challenges, I'll never make it to the finale. [real time] Guys? Uh, with our diverse set of skills, I think we can win these challenges, but we have to work together as a team. Come on! Let's do this! Go Team Maskwak!

Ella, Leonard, and Sugar: Go, Team Maskwak!

Dave: Okay, fine. Go Team Maskwak.

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Jasmine: You shoud stand up to your sister. You're the underdog and underdogs have a lot of fight and honor in them. Tap into it.

Samey: Um... yeah. I-I guess.

Jasmine: Hm. What's a Chinese mulbury bush doing in this part of the world?

Samey: Oh! Apples!

Jasmine: No!

[twang]

Samey: Whoa! I would've given you a bite if you'd asked.

Jasmine: I'm sorry, but that's a--

Shawn: Manchineel fruit. The Spanish refer to it as manzanilla de la muerte. AKA, the little apple of death.

Jasmine: He's right. Well, it probably wouldn't have killed you, but it would've made your mouth blister something awful.

Samey: [gasps] My hand. It's so itchy.

Shawn: Congrats, princess. You just got your first lesson in Survival 101. Know your flora. Lesson two, soak your hand in water, scrub it with sand, swelling gone.

Samey: Oh. But I'm supposed to help you with the foraging.

Jasmine: You won't be of any help when your hand swells up like a wicket keeper's glove. Cricket? I-It's a game. Just go. Huh, nice score. You're quite the outdoorsman.

Shawn: Gotta know stuff if you wanna survive a zombie apocalypse!

Jasmine: Right. But what were you doing up in that tree?

Shawn: That's where I'm sleeping. No shuffler can get you from up there!

Jasmine: I hear that, mate. [confessional] [giggles and snorts] Not only is the guy cute, he's kinda hilarious. Zombies? [laughs]

Chris: [over loudspeaker] Campers! The only good thing about this morning is that it's gonna get worse. For you! [chuckles] There's a path heading into the forest. Follow it for today's hurt-tacular challenge.

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Sky: See, this is teamwork. Way to go, Shawn!

Dave: I can't believe you found so much food so fast.

Leonard: You'd make an excellent kitchen wizard.

Shawn: Uh. thanks?

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Topher: Glad you got berries, Amy. All the antioxidants give my skin that healthy camera-worthy glow.

Samey: I got the berries, not Amy.

Amy: Oink, oink. Spot the attention hog. I was the one who like, made you go.

Max: I have created something so diabolical, so evil, so--

Chris: [over loudspeaker] Clam up, campers! Pick up the pace!

Max: Yes, sir.

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Chris: Welcome, victims, to the Oof-stacle Relay Race of Hilarious Hurts.

Topher: Great name. Total props, Chris.

Chris: Thank you, Topher. Now, each player takes on a different oof-stacle. Starting with... the greased log over a thorny bog. That gets you to a greasy zipline over the ravine for the next player. Then a quick and painful journey through... The Grease-tacular Tube-tacular. Next up, is the grease tires. And then a pass-off to the greasy wheelbarrow race. And the last lucky player climbs a rope up the greased wall. Or tries to and falls. Which is way funnier. [chuckles]

Dave: That's... a lot of grease. It's very greasy, like all of it! Greasy.

Chris: Yep! Now, I was gonna have you pass a relay baton, but couldn't find any.

Topher: What are you gonna make us use instead? Ho ho ho, this is gonna be so good.

[boar squeals]

Chris: You'll be using greased wild boars. Not so much batons as... bacons.