User:Rainbowderp01/Inglorious Toddlers (Transcript)

​​​​​​[ Theme song ]

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[kids hum theme]

Owen: Go, Noah! Go, Noah! Go, N-- how's my cheering?

Noah: Oh, good! Uh, maybe twelve percent more energy?

Owen: You got it! Go, Noah! Go, Noah! Go, Noah! Go, Noah!

[crack]

[video game noises]

Owen: This is so exciting! Just a couple more seconds! You're gonna make it to the final level!

Chef: Owen, Noah, snack time!

Owen: No time! Noah just reached the final level on Frozen Dragon!

Chef: Well, that's nice, but-- what?! Kids! Noah's about to beat the Frozen Dragon game!

Bridgette: Sweet!

Duncan: Whoa!

Beth: Shut the front door!

Noah: Yeah, yeah, yeah. I would love a snack, though.

Owen: You name it, I'll feed you.

Noah: S'mores?

Owen: On it!

Chef: Whoa-hoa-hoa, here we go!

Owen: Open... cookie, marshmallow, chocolate, cookie!

Noah: Ah... [chewing]

Bridgette: You two make such an amazing team.

Owen: Oh, yeah. Noah and I are gonna be besties forever.

Noah: Oh, you got that right, pal.

Bridgette: Look at him go!

Beth, Bridgette, Chef, and Duncan: Go, Noah! Go, Noah!

Chef: He's gonna do it! He's gonna beat the game!

Beth, Bridgette, Chef, and Duncan: Go, Noah!

Game Announcer: Winner!

Beth, Bridgette, Chef, and Duncan: [cheering]

Noah: Ah, I couldn't have done it without my best buddy, Owen.

Owen: Ha ha! I'm gonna love you forever!

Noah: [straining] Owen! Owen!

[rumbling]

Bridgette: [gasps] What's that noise?

Chef: It sounds like... a tank?!

[boom]

[alarm sounds]

Chef: Did you just run over my car?

Colonel: I'll ask the questions, thank you! I'm Colonel McColonelson. Which one of you is the Frozen Dragon player known as... ButtThunder?

Noah: [whistles] [confessional] I wanted an online tag that would strike fear into the hearts of my enemies.

Owen: [confessional] I told him to go with a bum joke.

Noah: [confessional] So I went with the bum joke.

[smack]

Colonel: How would you like to leave this childish place behind and join Militots? It's the finest military facility in the world.

Noah: Why would I wanna do that?

Colonel: You'd be a general before high school graduation.

Noah: Meh.

Colonel: And you'd get your own fighter jet.

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[dream sequence]

Noah: Prepare for landing!

Owen: Aye-aye, captain!

[tires squeal]

Drive Thru Guy: Four Mega Fun Meals.

Noah and Owen: Woohoohoo!

[tires squeal]

Noah: [chuckles]

Owen: This. Is. Awesome!

[sequence ends]

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Noah: Cool! I'm in.

Colonel: Not yet, you aren't. First, you gotta pass the Militots testing.

Noah: Let's do it.

Bridgette: Are you going to be okay, Owen? You know, losing your best friend?

Owen: Oh, I'm not losing Noah. We'll be besties forever.

Duncan: That's what he'll say at first, but then it'll turn into, "I'll catch up with you later." And poof! You'll slowly get left behind!

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Colonel: You ready to get moving, ButtThunder?

Noah and Owen: Sir, yes, sir!

Colonel: And you are...?

Owen: Owen! Noah and I are a team. Inseparateable.

Noah: I think these tests are just for me, pal. But don't worry, hey. We'll always be best friends.

Colonel: Ahem!

Noah: I'll catch up with you later!

[sad music]

Duncan: [vision] And poof! You'll slowly get left behind!

Owen: [cries] Duncan! It's happening! I'm losing Noah! What do I do?

Duncan: There's not much you can do, unless you wanna sabotage his testing.

Owen: You mean make him fail on purpose?

Duncan: Yeah. Then he won't get in, he'll stay here, and you'll stay BFFs.

Owen: Yes! Okay! Can you help me?

Duncan: Aww, fine. But only because I enjoy ruining things for other people! Come on!

[crushing]

Chef: Ah! My motorcycle!

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Izzy: Oh, cool.

Soldier: Hey, you! What are you doing here? Uh, sorry, General! I didn't recognize you.

Izzy: Let's not make that mistake again, soldier. Dismissed.

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Colonel: Test one. Survive the Human Centerfuge. Jet fighters need to have stomachs of steel.

Soldier: [vomits] I want my mommy!

Colonel: You barf before the timer, you fail!

Noah: Not a problem!

[beep]

[whirring]

Noah: Meh, I've gone faster!

Owen: Noah's gonna pass this for sure. He never barfs on rides at the amusement park. That's my job.

Duncan: You're his bestie, what does make him barf? Long car trips? Watching his parents kiss? Math?

Owen: Nope. [gasps] I got it!

Noah: [sniffs] [groans] Oh, what is that stench?

Duncan: Ugh, what's in that sandwich?

Owen: It's just a classic tuna, bologna, bleu cheese. But anytime I got one in my lunch, Noah pukes.

Noah: Oh, way outta here! [vomits]

Colonel: Well done, ButtThunder. You stayed in there just long enough to pass.

_______________________________________________________________________________________

Izzy: Move it, maggots! Double time! [sighs] I love the smell of army boots in the morning.

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Colonel: The most grueling obstacle course this side of the equator! Successful completion rate, fifty-eight percent.

[fire blows]

Owen: Wow, he's really moving.

Duncan; Come on, we gotta slow him down!

Noah: [grunts] Come on, Noah. You got this!

Colonel: Once you hit the top, swing to the other side, climb down, pick up the rucksack and cross the finish line!

Owen: I hope this works.

Duncan: Are you kidding? It's in the bag. Ha, get it? Bag. 'Cause we're in a bag?

Owen: Shh! Here he comes!

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Noah: [groaning] [sighs]

Colonel: You passed, but it was another close one, ButtThunder. You better ace the last test or you're not gonna make it. Come on!

Duncan: If he passes the next test, you're gonna lose your best friend! Let's go!

Izzy: [giggles] Ooh. What does this button do?

[boom]

Chef: There. Good as new. What in the name of glazed donuts is-- ah!

[explosion]

Chef: No!

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Colonel: Welcome to the army's top of the line flight simulator. Your mission is to take out five enemy bogies before they take you out. Good luck, soldier.

Noah: This is so cool. Ha ha! Woohoo!

[whirring]

Noah: Yes! Hoo, that's number two! Boom! Three down, two to go!

Owen: I see him!

Duncan: Got it.

Noah: Eh.

[radar beeping]

Duncan: Missiles ready, fire! Rats! We almost got him!

Noah: Whoa, that was close.

Izzy: Ooh, this looks like fun! "Select plane". Okay!

Noah: Yes! Just one more to go!

Izzy: Whee!

Noah: What is that?

Colonel: I don't know who's flying that triplane, but they are the best pilot I've ever seen!

Izzy: I got the plane with extra wings!

Noah: Izzy?

Izzy: Hi, Noah! Isn't this awesome? Okay, now I'm bored. Bye! Whee! Oops. [giggles]

Owen: Whoa! Who's shooting at us?

Duncan: No idea. But if Noah takes out one more plane, you lose your bestie.

Owen: Bam!

Noah: "Target lock"? Uh, no!

[beeping]

Noah: I can't shake it!

Duncan: You got a lock on him, whare are you waiting for? Fire!

Owen: [grunting] No! I won't fire on Noah!

Duncan: What are you doing?

Owen: What a bestie is supposed to do. [through speaker] Noah, come in, Noah.

Noah: Owen? Is everyone here in this simulator?

Owen: Listen up, I'm gonna get that last bogie to chase me and bring him around right in front of you! Be ready to fire!

Noah: You got it!

Duncan: This wasn't the plan.

Owen: It is now.

Duncan: Ah! He's got a lock on us!

Owen: Come on, Noah! Do it!

Simulation Announcer: Winner!

Noah and Owen: Yes!

Owen: Noah!

Noah: Owen, buddy! You saved me! But, uh, what are you doing here?

Owen: I thought you might need a wingman to help you get in.

Noah: Aw, pal. You're the best wingman I could ever hope for.

Colonel: ButtThunder, welcome to Militots.

Noah: I'll catch you later, buddy.

Owen: Good luck, Noah! I'll miss you.

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Chef: Aw, cheer up, Owen. Here's some extra snack.

Owen: I don't wanna eat. I'm too sad about losing my best friend. I mean, I will, but only out of habit.

Noah: You got any extra cookies for an old friend?

Owen: [gasps] Noah! You're back!

Noah: Yeah, I was missing my bestie too much, so I quit.

Owen: Wow, the colonel must've been mad.

Noah: Nah. He said he found a much better candidate anyway.

[rumble]

[jet zooms]

Izzy: They gave me my own jet plane! Whee! Oops.

[missiles fire]

[boom]

Chef: Oh, no. Not again! No!

[credits]