User:Rainbowderp01/Tiger Fail (Transcript)

​​​​​​[ Theme song ]

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[kids laughing]

[pot banging]

[smash]

[suctioning]

[kids humming playful music]

Owen: Woohoo!

Chef: What's that? Little Duncan didn't mean to tape Cody to the wall, but--

Owen: Chef! Beth got stuck in the toilet again! And I think she died.

Beth: [screams]

Chef: Hold on, Beth! Chef is coming! [confessional] Ugh, every time it rains, I run out of things to do with the kids. They get cabin fever and run wild and I get nothing done. It's been raining for four straight days!

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Chef: If you kids give me peace for ten minutes, I'll make your favorite lunch!

[sizzle]

Jude: Watch this dudes, okay?

Cody, Duncan, and Izzy: [cheer]

Jude: Wha? Whoa!

Chef: Who's hungry?

Jude: [screams] Oof! Sloppy joes! Mm, extra sloppy. Nice.

Chef: That's it, everybody outside! Now!

[lightning strikes]

Chef: Fine. We'll stay inside, but you have to be quiet. Chef has some important business to attend to.

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Chef: Ah... peace and quiet.

Cody: Chef...

Chef: Ah!

Cody: I can't find my socks.

Chef: Uh, Cody? Chef needs a little privacy, heh. I'll help you in a minute, okay?

Jude: Are you going number one or number two?

Chef: You kids shouldn't be--

Izzy: Hey, Chef? We're out of popcorn and I'm so hungry, I could eat a horse!

Chef: Izzy, get down from there right now!

Cody: People eat horses?

Chef: No, Cody, not usually. Tell him, Izzy.

Izzy: No, they don't eat horses. They turn them into glue.

Cody: [cries]

Chef: Nonononono, don't cry.

Izzy: Whoa! Somebody forgot to flush in here. Chef! Chef, somebody didn't flush!

Chef: [confessional] This is my to-do list. Know how many things I've checked off this week? None!

[pinging]

[crash]

Chef: [confessional] That's it. They're giving me no choice!

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Chef: Ice cream!

Jude: [gasps]

Chef: Better. Now, if you are quiet for the next hour, I will get you all ice cream!

[all cheer]

Leshawna: I want strawberry!

Jude: Heavenly Hash!

Courtney: Vanilla.

Noah: Mint chip!

Beth: Green ice cream? Gross.

Owen: Oh, oh! Cookie dough!

Izzy: Ooh, I love noodles with butter.

Harold: That's not a flavor.

Izzy: Don't tell me who I can and can't love!

[airhorn blows]

Chef: Hold up! I have one coupon for one jumbo party tub of ice cream, so you'll have to agree on one flavor.

Owen: Meow.

All: Chocolate!

Chef: Okay! I guess we're getting chocolate!

Bridgette: Wait! We didn't ask Gwen.

Leshawna: No no no. Never ask Gwen. You know she doesn't like "normal" kid's stuff.

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[squash]

[rip]

[pop]

Chef: [cries]

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Bridgette: I'm asking her anyway. It's only fair. Gwen, what flavor would you like?

Gwen: Tiger tail.

[thunder booms]

Courtney: [screams]

Chef: I guess it's not settled.

Leshawna: See what you've done?

Owen: Please. Anything but tiger tail!

Bridgette: What's tiger tail?

Tiger: [on tablet] Roar, I'm a tiger! I bet you're wondering where my tail is. Well, kids, I took it off and made it into delicious ice cream! It's two great flavors combined into one! Mm-mm orange, and black. Kids love the unsettling taste of the business end of a large jungle cat. Come get your tiger tail ice cream today!

Izzy: It's made from real tigers?!

Harold: They couldn't call it tiger tail if it wasn't.

Izzy: Gross!

Courtney: We are going to get chocolate. I'll handle this. I took a class in hostage negotiation. [through megaphone] Gwen, it's Courtney. If we can't agree on one flavor, no one gets ice cream. I know you don't want that to happen. Work with us here.

Gwen: [sighs] Okay.

Bridgette, Harold, Izzy, and Leshawna: Yay!

Gwen: As long as it's tiger tail.

Bridgette, Harold, Izzy, and Leshawna: [groan]

Courtney: Ugh! Why do you have to be so difficult?

Gwen: I won't pretend to like something just because every other kid does. It's not just chocolate ice cream. I don't like sing-alongs, glitter, stickers, laughter, or sunshine.

Duncan: Sunshine? Who hates sunshine?

Gwen: I don't get invited to too many playdates.

Bridgette: Aww, you can come to my house! What do you like to play?

Gwen: I like to find dead bugs and hold funerals for them.

Bridgette: Oh... kay. We can try that.

Duncan: Don't worry, guys. We'll use my negotiation skills.

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Duncan: Change your mind, or we're gonna crack this egg chair in half!

[airhorn blares]

Chef: Stop! Gwen's vote is just as important as everyone else's. Even if her choice of ice cream is totally gross.

Courtney, Duncan, Jude, and Noah: Chocolate! Chocolate!

Chef: Hey! Here's how we're gonna settle this. We'll play... The Quiet Game. Whoever goes the longest without making a sound wins. The winner picks the flavor.

Leshawna: Ha, this'll be easy! It's all of us against her.

[lightning strikes]

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Courtney: Okay. Team chocolate, let's focus. All we need to do to win is...

Chef: Game starts now!

Courtney: Make Gwen talk!

Chef: You're out!

Courtney: What? Aww...

Chef: [confessional] The longer this game goes on, the more time I'll have to get my chores done! Time to file some incident reports!

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Courtney: We got this. You're all good at not talking, right? So just be--

Bridgette: Gwen's really good at not talking.

Courtney: Gwen's the one we're trying to beat! And now you're out!

Bridgette: I am?

Chef: You sure are.

Bridgette: Oh, darn. This game is hard.

Courtney: Look. All we have to do is get Gwen to make a noise. Go make funny faces until she laughs.

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[intense music]

Jude: [making noises]

Izzy: [making noises]

Jude: [making noises]

Izzy: [laughs] Sorry, sorry. I can't help it. Look at Harold's funny face! [laughs]

Jude: Ha! Yeah, dude! It's so funny!

Harold: I'm not making a funny face.

Chef: Funny face or not, you three are out, out, and out.

Courtney: Everyone on Team Chocolate, stop talking! Hey... where's Gwen?

Duncan: [screams]

[bats squeak]

Duncan: Ow...

Chef: Duncan's out. And I'm on to do some meal prep.

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[cymbals crash]

Beth: Oh no! I broke Gwen with my music!

Bridgette: She got you good, Beth! [giggles] High five! [confessional] Don't tell anyone, but I'm kinda rooting for Gwen. [giggles]

Chef: [confessional] I'm rooting for Gwen to take this to the end of the day. I haven't had this much free time since the flu of the never-ending winter!

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Courtney: This snickergobblin is a noise trap. You hand it to Gwen, she touches it, it giggles, game over.

Courtney: Oof.

Leshawna: [gasps] I won? I won! What did I win?

Chef: [over PA] Not the quiet game. You're out!

Leshawna: Well, I-- pshh, whatever! I'm keeping this crown!

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Chef: There. Lunches for a week. I should've thought of the quiet game years ago.

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Owen: Ah! Get it off! [screams] Ah, what did you get? [screaming] You got the same thing as me! Ah, these are terrible presents! Ah!

Courtney: Noah, it's all up to you now.

Noah: I'm out.

Courtney: What?!

Noah: There's no beating Gwen at the silent game. I'd rather stop caring.

Courtney: You were our last hope. Chef!

Chef: With Owen and Noah out, looks like the ice cream flavor we're eating is gonna be tiger tail.

[toilet flushes]

Beth: Oof!

[kids hum dramatic sting]

Harold: It's Cody! He's not out yet!

Jude: Dude, I totally forgot he went here.

Owen: [screaming]

Leshawna: And he's taped his mouth shut!

Chef: [gasps] Yes! [confessional] With Cody taking this game into overtime, I might finish my list! [sniffles] Sorry. I'm just so happy.

Kids: Go, Cody, go!

Bridgette: Go, Gwen! You can do it! What? Someone has to root for the underdog.

[clock ticking]

Owen: If I don't get ice cream soon, I'm gonna faint.

Noah: Relax, buddy. They're the only two left. How long could it take?

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[future]

[flatline]

Cody: [groans]

Chef: Cody's out!

Gwen: Yes! I won!

Chef: Here's your tiger tail ice cream. And I finally finished my PhD in education, wrote two novels, and I built my dream boat by hand. It's amazing what you can get done when the kids are occupied. Yeah, whoo!

[pop]

Owen: Well, what do you know? It's not that bad. But then again, I lost most of my taste buds.

Bridgette: So, Gwen. Was it worth the wait?

Gwen: You know what? Chocolate is actually better.

Courtney: We hung around 78 years for nothing? Bleh!

[credits]