User:Rainbowderp01/Dial M for Merger (Transcript)

Chris: Last time on Total Drama Action... it was a festival of guts, determination, and sweat as yours truly put our contestants through their sports movie paces! Only, Leshawna was a little distracted when her rant about the gang turned up on Courtney's PDA. And so, in the end, Heather, the queen of mean, was sent packing straight to the salon. But there's no time to think about our coifs today. Instead, we're gonna make the best spy movie ever!

[James Bond music]

Chris: And we might have a few sneaky surprises along the way.

[splat]

Chris: Right here on Total. Drama. Action!

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[ Theme song ]

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[fly buzzes]

Leshawna: Ugh... I keep eating like this, and my booty's gonna get bitty. See? Now, that's not kosher. What's a girl gotta do? I've said I'm sorry about a teensy spa lie a million times!

Courtney: [confessional] And that's the only million Leshawna will ever see. [hums]

[phone dials]

Courtney: [confessional] My lawyers are working on it right now.

Leshawna: Even my own teammates? Teamies?

Harold: [weakly] Go, Leshawna. Go, Leshawna.

Leshawna: [sarcastically] Careful, you'll get wind burn from moving so fast.

Duncan: Hey, I don't trust anybody anyway, so... heh, biz is usual, teamie.

Leshawna: Bleak, yet oddly heartwarming.

Lindsay: Oh! Door, it's me, Lindsay. From this morning. You remember!

Courtney: Door, meet doorknob.

Lindsay: Oh, yeah!

[whirring]

Automated Voice: Intruder alert! Entry denied!

Lindsay: [screams]

Courtney, Justin, and Beth: [gasp]

Duncan: What the? [groans]

Courtney: [gasps] Duncie!

Harold: Duncie?

Courtney: [grunts]

Justin, Beth, Harold, and Leshawna: [gasp]

Justin: Run for cover!

Harold: Ahh! Oof!

Beth: What's happening?! Are we gonna die?!

Harold: [confessional] I always knew the producers were mean, but now I think they're actually trying to kill us! If you ask me, it's a conspiracy to-- aah!

Justin: Hey, where's Harold?

Beth: We're all gonna die!

Justin: Beth, listen to me. It's gonna be all right. Just focus on my calming beauty and soothing complexion.

Beth: [crying]

Justin: Ugh, I'm hideous! [cries]

Leshawna: Oh no, this is not happening to me.

[glass breaks]

[gas sprays]

Beth: [coughs]

Justin: [coughs]

Leshawna: [coughs]

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[all groaning]

Justin: Ow! My eye! My beautiful, uninsured eye!

Beth: I'm so sorry! Are you okay!

Justin: Ah! I bruise easier than a clingstone peach! Must prevent swelling, I need ice! Ice?! [crying] I am a hideous beast! Nobody will ever hire me now and my modeling career is over! I'll have to go work in the circus as a... as one of those... circus freaks!

Courtney: Hey! Where is my PDA? [scoffs] Trying to steal it again, I see.

Beth: No! I was just trying to give it back! Swearsies!

[intense music]

Chris: [evil laughter] [accent] Welcome to ze Clogedekel, world of spy movies, man and woman.

Duncan: Dude, what's with the bad Jamaican accent?

Leshawna: Jamaican? More like Japanese.

Courtney: No, Swedish!

Beth: French!

Harold: Kinda sounds Italian to me.

Chris: [normal voice] Um, hello? It's Russian? And I should know, because I am an actor!

Duncan: Really?

Chris: Any good spy in any good spy movie must have three essential skills. One, the ability to deactivate a bomb. Two, the ability to escape an exploding building. And three, the ability to fake an accent that makes people believe you actually speak the language. [accent] Like-a my fab Russian accent, man. [normal voice] You'll need two of the three skills to get through today's reward challenges. Can you guess which two? Let me give you a hint. [accent] Not the third one, man. [evil laugh]

Courtney: [gasps] Does anybody know anything about bombs?

Lindsay: Oh! I do, I do! [confessional] I once was in a musical about the environment called "The Three R's". I was recycle, and my best friend Marcy played reduce. She paints her nails grapefruit just like me. Anyway, only three people showed up and the director said it bombed, so yeah. I know a thing or two about bombs.

Duncan: Mr. Ninja Not-so-much over here doesn't get anywhere near the bomb.

Harold: If you deactivate bombs the way you foil booby traps, we are so dead.

Chris: Oh, and one last thing. Since I'm really ho-hum bored of the teams, I'm busting them up! From now on, it's every dude and dudette for themselves. I'll see you back on solid ground. Let the 007'ing begin.

[cat screeches]

Lindsay: If we're not teammates, does that mean we can't share lip gloss?

Beth: I'll miss your fruity lip goop!

Beth and Lindsay: No!

Leshawna: Breaking us up?! After all we've been through?!

[6Teen theme starts playing]

[Phil Naro]

Life begins after school

That's when we bend all the rules

In a place where we belong

I'm sixteen, starting to find my way

Got a new job, gonna start at the mall today

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Harold: How do we get out of here?

Lindsay: I say we go this way. Ow! Not again!

Courtney: The GPS indicates an exit somewhere over there!

Duncan: I don't normally trust technology, but in this case, I'll make an exception.

Leshawna: Honey, that direction only leads to heartache and tears on your pillow.

Justin: Whoa! Over here!

Leshawna: Way to go, Justin!

Harold: Good eye!

Justin: [confessional] Now that I'm a hideously deformed circus freak, I have to rely on my brains to win this thing. You hear me, brain? Yeah! I'm speaking to you!

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[elevator whirs]

[ding]

Duncan: Cool.

Justin: Awesome!

Harold: This is like something out of that spy movie, "The Ultimate Ultimatum".

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Chris: Don't I look awesome in blue? Now for the first part of the spy movie challenge. See that case in the middle of the room? You have to get whatever's inside, 'cause you're gonna need it for part two of the challenge.

Duncan: No problemo. Easy smash and grab. [gasps]

Chris: Ahem. I need to finish. You gotta get whatever's inside without setting off the alarm. But be careful, those lasers will cut you clear in half.

Lindsay: I look a whole lot better whole.

Leshawna: Fitting under there is not gonna be easy for this bountiful booty.

Justin: Brain, got any ideas?

Beth and Lindsay: Wanna go together, BFF? [laughing]

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Lindsay: This is all your fault.