User blog:DramaDot/The Final Wreck-ening Review

The Final Wreck-ening


'''Wreck-ening? What Wreck-ening? Because Mal didn’t break anything for once, except for Zoey’s brain.'''

'''I’m Dot and it’s time to finish my All-Stars review series with Episode Thirteen, The Final Wreck-ening. Please, for my sanity, imagine the epic orchestral music at the end of the episode, except it just plays over ALL THE AUDIO. This episode is my least favorite of all time, and you’ll soon find out why! Thanks for sticking with me all this time; this review is gonna be a long one.'''

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'''Fourteen contestants? Weren’t there only twelve? Oh yeah, Sam and Lindsay existed. Do you have to recap the WHOLE season? I’ve grown a beard just sitting here using up energy. Haha, Chris is trying to amp up the tension. I can’t even REMEMBER what the BORING challenges are without looking them up on Wikipedia, they were that bad. What epic finale challenge are we going to reference in TDAS? None? Good. I don’t want to ruin any other finale for me. Though, Hawaiian Punch would be a cool reference. I mean, it’s one of my favorite episodes. I want to see Vito singing Versus, because Mike can’t take his shirt off without summoning Vito. Getting into pajamas each night must be painful. But hey, anything is better than Mal. Mike repeatedly left his “best friends” in the lurch? Zoey and Cameron? Yeah, some weirdos he spent eight weeks with on a TV set are now his best friends, instead of, y’know, HIS CLASSMATES OR HIS FAMILY. Why did they have to show me Scott’s elimination? I had to postpone writing this blog for a day just because I couldn’t type without breaking down and sobbing about his elimination. Kidding...mostly. I don’t see why Chris has to wear his tuxedo considering contestants only change clothes every three years. It’s not like they’re all dressed up and looking spiffy. Oh look, Chef exists. PLEASE DON’T CALL MAL AN EVIL GENIUS. IT MAKES ME SAD. I’M ALREADY SAD. DJ’s subconscious clouds from TDA make a cameo but not, I don’t know, EVERYONE ELSE!! Does Chef have a unibrow? I don’t know anything anymore. I hope he gets at least -18 lines this episode, because it’s SURE MORE THAN HIS COMBINED TOTAL OF LINES THIS ENTIRE SEASON. The helicopter from PT&HAM makes a cameo in the theme song. I only liked the theme song at the beginning of the season. Now, I’m only suffering via staring at the mugs of all the beautiful characters that were derailed and eliminated. Oh yeah, Scott’s in the theme song. Blink and you’ll miss it.'''

'''I’m snacking on misery right now and drowning in sarcasm. That was a long recap paragraph. Zoey’s in the Spa Hotel staring at the same Mal footage that she saw before, since she was incapable of processing it last time. Yeah, Mike’s still in Mal’s head. Maybe you should knock and see if he’s home.'''

“And with Mike trapped in my subconscious, that million dollars is mine!”

Please don’t tell me that we’re going to get a brain scene less than a minute in.

Please.

I’m begging you.

'''Okay, the writers just laughed in my face and put in a brain scene. Oh look, the tower from My Little Pony makes a cameo. It has Mal’s face on it too. Eye of Sauron much? So the five personalities make it to the base of Mal’s tower.'''

“Mal just figured we’d never get this far…”

'Yeah, through the FIVE PATCHES OF BARBED WIRE JUST THROWN IN RANDOMLY''. So the Magic Five bust down the door, and after some difficulty, make it in. There’s literally nothing but stairs. Doesn’t Mal have a home security alarm? The tower gets narrower as it goes up. Interesting design. Mal must watch the Property Brothers a lot. I mean, he had nothing else to do before taking over Mike’s body. '''

'''Chris summons Mal and Zoey for the challenge and Mal tells Z that Mike is never coming back. I wish that when Mal gets vanquished, Manitoba suddenly becomes the main personality. That would be the most exciting part of the season.'''

“People gonna die.”

'''Chef spoke. Best part of the episode so far. Why do the writers always have to rub it in my face that Chris is a sadist? I kind of inferred that from the start. AH, MR COCONUT CAMEO. Mr Coconut is the most lusciously developed character to grace the screen of Fresh TV. The moment when he stood up to Heather was inspiring. I cried with joy when he kicked Noah off the edge of the volcano and rolled his way to the million dollars. Forget Staci, Ezekiel, Blaineley, and all those other developed characters, Mr. Coconut is the only man for me.'''

'''Zoey picks a bow for her weapon and Mal picks a...meatball bazooka. That thing looks like it could only load three meatballs. Aim carefully, buddy. '''

'''Owen cameo, there you go. I miss Owen. He should’ve been in All-Stars instead of Sam, who’s basically a skinnier, nerdier version of Owen. His farts are gross as ever. '''

'''So the past contestants are trapped in suffocating bubbles of Owen’s gas. That’s disgusting. It seems more torturous to them. Also, what’s stopping Zoey from accidentally impaling them with her arrows? I’d be kind of scared if I was her. But I’m not, so THANK GOODNESS.'''

'''Zoey shoots down Cameron and Gwen easily. Why did Cameron have to return? Did Ed Macdonald write this episode? I was just recovering from Cameron’s last appearance, this is salt in the wound. Gwen’s alright (she’s not making me mad, at least), it just seems too soon for her to return as a helper. I mean, she was eliminated last episode. '''

“Why don’t you take a BREAK?!”

'''Hardy har har, Mal, very funny. Why are there all these “break” related jokes now that Mal has stopped breaking stuff? So Mal shoots Zoey to prevent her from getting more helpers. Oh goody, he gets Alejandro and Heather. Two characters who were actually sane this season.'''

'''So Zoey has Gwenameron and Mal has Aleheather. Which one is the superior ship? I won’t even bother putting up a poll since I already know. Look, the skinny intern didn’t starve in SMS after all. He’s alive and as well as interns can be. '''

Said intern goes out into the field to fetch the balloons…

...the balloons float away…

...the balloons containing Lindsay and Sierra and Sam and Jo and Lightning and Courtney and Scott and Duncan (how did he get in there since he’s in jail?)...

...float away…

...into the sun.

Caps lock warning.

Caps lock warning.

'''This is the first time I’ve seen this in a while, so I’m pretty angry that after two months of not watching it, this clip didn’t magically itself. '''

Caps lock warning.

Caps lock warning.

'''OKAY, WHO’S IDEA WAS IT TO INCLUDE THIS SCENE??!! IT SERVES NO PURPOSE TO THE PLOT WHATSOEVER, IT’S NOT EVEN FUNNY, IN FACT, IT’S VISUALLY DISTURBING. IT DOESN’T MATTER THAT FRESH TV “SAYS” THAT THEY SURVIVED; THEY STILL FLOATED AWAY INTO THE SUN!!! WHY DID THIS HAVE TO BECOME A TORTURE EPISODE FOR EVERYONE?? THERE’S NO RESOLUTION TO ANY OF THEIR PLOTS NOW. NO MORE CODERRA. NO MORE DUNCAN DO-RIGHT. NO MORE COURTNEY GETTING ROBBED. NO MORE LINDSAY BEING A QUEEN. NO MORE SCOTT GETTING ABSURDLY WELL-WRITTEN DEVELOPMENT. NO MORE SAMKOTA IN ALL ITS WEIRD GLORY. NO MORE KILLER ZINGERS FROM JO. NO MORE BICEP-FLEXING FROM LIGHTNING. THEIR PARENTS SHOULD ALL SUE. I WISH CHRIS WOULD FLOAT AWAY INTO THE SUN. AS HAROLD WOULD SAY, GOSH.'''

'''I’m not actually that upset since I’ve seen this season plenty of times and it’s just a show, but it’s MY SHOW. The show that got me into cartoons as a little kid! Why did they have to do this to all the characters that I love?? There’s no logical reason and it’s just disgusting. Shame, writers. Shame. Also, why did I hear Cameron screaming with the others? He’s safe on the ground. This is the second time that he’s made noise at the wrong time. :('''

'''SO NONE OF THE OTHER CONTESTANTS--MAL, ZOEY, HEATHER, ALEJANDRO, CAMERON, AND GWEN--EVEN CARE ABOUT THEIR FRIENDS WHO PROBABLY JUST DIED??!!! “Oh, look, everyone died. Whoop dee doo, I’m having a hormonal surge.”'''

'''Chris gets a phone call from his lawyers, who have great timing. This isn’t a live taping, guys. Doesn’t it take a few months before the episodes are released? Wouldn’t the press be like “HAHA WE SAW LINDSAY AT THE MALL, SHE MUST’VE BEEN ELIMINATED FROM THE SET OF TOTAL DRAMA”. Life must be pretty miserable in a giant, orange balloon filled with Owen’s farts.'''

'''Chris complains about how banal the helpers are and Alejandro and Heather acknowledge each other’s existence. THEY’RE DATING, AREN’T THEY. THE SIGNS ARE ALL THERE, JUST LOOK! '''



'''Yeah, they’re dating. Rachel Wilson does a great job voicing Heather. '''

“Oh, no!  Are you two DATING?!”

'''Yeeeaaaah, don’t act so surprised, Chris. Time to show off the HD animation now with a weird orange backdrop! Is Aleheather going to turn into a mushy couple? Oh well. There goes all continuity out the metaphorical window. That confessional was only mildly detrimental to my health, lol. Of course they want the money. WHAT’S HAPPENED TO EVERYBODY? '''

'''So we travel on a weird little monorail thing that I feel like appeared in Action (but with a roof). The intern doesn’t blink the whole time. We get a cool reaction panel and then BAM, the final challenge is the Moats of Doom or whatever. C’MON, IT’S JUST A BUNCH OF RIVERS AND HAS SOME CLIMBING INVOLVED. HOW IS THIS EPIC OR A PAST REFERENCE TO A CHALLENGE?? At least the LAVA from Hawaiian Punch made a cameo. That’s a stretch.'''

“Y’know, floating away in a balloon, directly into the sun...that’s looking pretty good right now.”

'''Save it, Gwen. I’m tired of you already, as much as I like you. We get a random assortment of funny lines.'''

“Keep your garbage on your side.”

“This is milk.”  

'“Goodbye, Mike. Whoever you are.”  '

'''That last line I find funny for rather unusual reasons. Anyways, Alejandro and Heather cuddle or whatever and Gwen and Cameron talk about their love lives. I guess it’s time for me to analyze the finalists and their individual journeys to the finale!'''

'''Let’s start with Mal/Mike. To be honest, the writers are trying to make me, the viewer, root for Mike and hope that he beats Mal and reunites with Zoey. But to me, Mike just comes off as an ignorant boy who disappeared in Evil Dread and is completely undeserving of the placement he’s earned this season. I mean, it was all MAL’S WORK that got Mike to the finale. All Mike did was fawn over Zoey and walk endlessly across gross cushions of brain (or something) and rescue his other personalities. He didn’t compete, or strategize, or anything! His obsession with Zoey is unhealthy and when he loses control of himself, he worries about ZOEY and not the fact that he’s no longer in control of his own body (though that’s somewhat normal for him). I don’t like Mal and his strategies so it doesn’t make much sense for him to win, but if Mike just popped out of nowhere and got the million, I think I’d go ballistic. It just doesn’t make any sense and even SAM (yes, you know how I feel about Sam) deserves the million more than Mike in terms of performance.'''

'''Based on the previous paragraph, you won’t be surprised to know that Zoey is my preferred winner in the finale. Even though I don’t LIKE how Zoey got to the finale (godplaying), at least she GOT there instead of relying on a tacky villain to carry her to the top. Ugh. However, I’m not fond of her as a character. What happened to ROTI Zoey? This new, “All-Star” Zoey is wretched, to say the least. She starts off just fine, being all sweet and cool towards Mike and maybe three other people, but then quickly turns into the star of the show. I’m barely going to touch upon the fact that SHE DIDN’T REALIZE THAT MIKE WASN’T HIMSELF UNTIL TWO EPISODES AGO because it gives me blisters on my feet. Oh yeah, maybe I will. She’s a total godplayer who runs like Sonic, jumps like Tigger, and balances like Alejandro in Niagara Brawls (I don’t know what else to say). Outside of her beating around the bush about Mike, being clueless around him, PUTTING HERSELF IN DANGER JUST AS A LITTLE EXPERIMENT, and more, she’s had zero plot whatsoever and her old interactions still stand, stale as ever. Say something, I’m giving up on you…'''

'''So Chris blows the air horn and the contestants are off! Why is Zoey yelling at her helpers? I guess to be heard above the DRAMATIC music. Cameron suggests that he sacrifice himself to get Zoey and Gwen across the moat, yipee. As much as I love Aleheather’s gloriousness and Gwenameron’s gloriousness (not), these helpers are making this super anticlimactic. '''

“How are you at floating?”

'''MAL, DON’T YOU DARE TOUCH GODDESS HEATHER. If Lindsay was here she’d probably try to jump or swim across the moat and then turn into a mutant. Alejandro’s eyebrows look weird when he bends the pole. Chris CONVENIENTLY leaves tools out for the helpers. '''

'''Zoey and Gwen float across the moat on Cameron’s bubble while making pig noises. This challenge is so boring, as usual. Cameron is a total worrywart and it’s really annoying. HAVEN’T YOU OVERSTAYED YOUR WELCOME ENOUGH ALREADY??! The bubble pops and I gasp in excitement, but *ugh* Zoey catches Cameron before he becomes a mutant. '''

'''So Mal magically gains pole vaulting skills and leaps across to the other side. Alejandro and Heather are left behind, aw. It’d be much cooler if one helper was left behind on each moat. That way Mal and Zoey would have to face the final moat and the Mad King (Chef-y boy) all by themselves. Ewww, Gwen said “lava”. Did that sound weird or was that just me? Also, it’s toxic waste, Gwen. Lava’s the next one; get it RIGHT. Sheesh. '''

“Such big anger for a little man.”

'''That sounded sexual for no reason I can name. Mal has to stop to give us another brain scene that lasts less than a minute and has no emotional impact on me whatsoever. '''

'''WHY IN THE WORLD WOULD MAL PUT A BUTTON THAT WOULD DEFEAT HIM AT THE TOP OF HIS TOWER??? WHY NOT A BUTTON THAT DESTROYS MIKE??!! '''

'''So Chester, in all his glory, tells Mike that if he pushes the button, all his other personalities will disappear. Yawn. The writers JUST got the ball rolling on the challenge and now they’ve stopped to include more filler plot. Just push the button and end this season already! '''

'''Mal somehow sneaks up behind Zoey and Co. He throws Cameron down onto the previous level, but somehow misses the toxic waste. A random ladder catches fire and BAM! Zoey’s by herself on Level Three now. Bye bye indeed, Gwen. '''

'''Awww, there’s a cute Aleheather melody. Alejandro hollowed out that tree in less than three minutes. I’m impressed, but then again, I’m not (I mean, he’s the great Alejandro). Mal uses a pogostick to tackle Zoey into the water of moat number three. Look and see his face that strikes pure terror into Zoey’s heart. So majestic and terrifying.'''



'''Beautiful. Aleheather makes it to moat number two and Gwenameron pals around. Why is Gwen leaning on Cameron? He’s so short and weak. '''

'''Mal and Zoey drown in moat number three. Yuck, another brain scene. Wait, Mal’s in his brain? Who’s in charge right now? So the tower was destroyed when Mike’s four alternate personalities HEROICALLY sacrificed themselves to destroy some random baddie. '''

So Mal is defeated.

Randomly.

Quickly.

Offensively.

Mike’s in control now.

'''OKAY, WHO CAME UP WITH THIS IDEA??? NOT ONLY WAS THE BUTTON PRESS AND MAL’S WEIRD DEFEAT POORLY WRITTEN, BUT IT’S ALSO REALLY OFFENSIVE. MPD IS A REAL THING CALLED DID (DISSOCIATIVE IDENTITY DISORDER) AND IT’S 100% REAL. IT’S A REAL CONDITION THAT AFFECTS REAL PEOPLE IN REAL LIFE. YOU CAN’T JUST PRESS A BUTTON TO GET RID OF ALTERNATE PERSONAS OF YOURSELF. THEY’VE BECOME A PART OF YOU; YOU NEED A THERAPIST AND YEARS OF WORK TO OVERCOME THIS DISORDER! I don’t even have DID so I can’t even imagine how someone WITH this disorder would feel watching this. Why has Total Drama changed so much from a show that MADE FUN OF ridiculous reality shows to a RIDICULOUS, FANTASY SHOW itself??!! I am personally very offended. 12 episodes of plot for a dumb button press and a rushed ending. Wow, what an idea.'''

'''Zoey with wet hair is kind of triggering my anxiety. She worries that Mike, who just punched Fang into oblivion (ok) isn’t actually Mike. Well he asks her about that necklace that she buried at the beginning of the episode and she squeals in the confessional. HOW IS THAT PROOF THAT MIKE’S HIMSELF??! MAL ALREADY KNEW ABOUT THE NECKLACE (or bracelet, as he called it).'''

'''Yay, an Aleheather kiss. Something to distract me from this episode. Why are they such a mushy couple now? Second Zoke kiss, I don’t care. GWENAMERON KISS, HOW DARE THE WRITERS SPOIL THIS MOMENT FOR ME! GWENAMERON IS NOT A SHIP, IT’S A CURSE. '''

'''Anyone can now win the million dollars! I wouldn’t care if Heather won the million again. Or Alejandro, for that matter. Maybe Courtney or Lindsay will fall from the sky and pull the sword out. See, Aleheather’s fighting again. Cameron apparently “won’t let Aleheather pass to the next moat”, well you’re on the wrong side, buddy. You can’t stop them from passing if you’re on the wrong side.'''

'''Oh wait, Mal messes up Al and Heather’s plans. Alejandro gets chased by Fang and Heather drowns underwater, thanks to Gwen.'''

“Whoops, my stick slipped, Old Heather.”

'''I don’t need a minute more of this season in my life. Gwen’s confessional laugh scared the blood out of me for a sec.  '''

'''Mike and Zoey climb up the ladder, Mad Chef is awesome, Mad Chef is life. '''

'''So the ending that I watched was Mike’s ending, which is kind of anticlimactic. Does Mike just sneak up and grab the sword? Guess so. So Mike wins Total Drama All-Stars, a season that he only competed in for two and a half episodes.'''

“Oh Mike, I’m so proud of you!”

'''Don’t be, Zoey. He FLOATED his way to the top, TRAMPLING ON EVERYONE THAT I LIKED ON HIS WAY. This season can’t get any worse; I’m just holding back my anger. I have no emotional reaction except whatever emotion this is .'''

'''Be quiet, Cameron. Don’t ruin this moment that I don’t care about. Awww, Aleheather is still cute, however mushy it is. <3  '''

'''Chef made the island with a fracking machine? I don’t know what that is, and I don’t care since it clearly doesn’t have any significance or emotional impact.'''

'''We get a pleasing visual of the Yeti or whatever his name is now (continuity alert?) walking to the Flush of Shame. I’m sad that I never got to see Mike or Zoey get flushed down a toilet. The Yeti can whistle? And read? Suddenly, everything is chaos.'''

'''WATER EVERYWHERE. '''

BYE BYE CONFESSIONAL.

THE ISLAND IS SINKING.

WATER EVERYWHERE.

EPIC OPERA MUSIC.

RIP ANIMALS!!!

THIS IS THE MOST EPIC THING THAT’S HAPPENED ALL SEASON.

THE MINE FROM ROTI MAKES A CAMEO THEN IS DESTROYED.

DOOMSDAY SQUIRREL.

'''IS THE SINKING OF THE ISLAND REALLY NECESSARY? '''

I’M SAD NOW THAT WAWANAKWA’S GONE.

F IN THE COMMENTS FOR THE BUTLER.

MY ROOMBA’S HITTING MY FOOT.

MY GLASS OF WATER JUST SHATTERED FROM THE INTENSITY THAT DOESN’T REALLY EXIST.

'''So, the island sinks. Multiple seasons of grace and beauty, destroyed in 30 seconds. Somehow, everyone makes it out alive (except for, y’know, ALL THE OTHER CONTESTANTS). Mad Chef has a thermostat. I’m so ticked off right now my ears are red. There are some giant, dead fish in the water; not a safety hazard at all. '''

'''Alejandro and Heather’s fates are unknown, come on! Just when I thought they were going to survive. Yes, Mike, listen to Cam, Gwen, and Zoey! For once.'''

'''VERY FIRST All-Stars season???!!! OH NO, YOU’RE NOT DOING THIS AGAIN, CHRIS. NEVER AGAIN. I just want a normal season, with only first-gen (plus Scotty boy). That was miserable. Oh look, Owen’s on a jet ski. He wipes out, just like this season, haha. I’m so funny.'''

'''So that’s it!! That’s Total Drama All-Stars reviewed! Stay tuned for my complete analysis and overall review of the season! '''