User:Rainbowderp01/You Regatta Be Kidding Me (Transcript)

Chris: Last time on Total Drama... a brutal teens vs. mutants fisticuffs free-for-all proved beyond all doubt that these guys will do anything for a million bucks! Even newly refriended Courtney and Gwen had to battle it out. [chuckles] The villains ruled victorious, but in a last-minute twist, the villains got to send a loser hero home, and the heroes got to send a winner villain to exile. So, it was see you tomorrow, Alejandro, and see you never, Sierra. Only eight players remain, and none of them are ready for how everything is about to change! Right here. Right now. On Total. Drama. All-Stars!

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[ Theme song ]

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Gwen: [yawns] [sighs] I just dreamt I was riding a fluffy unicorn across clouds made of marshmallows.

Courtney: Yeah, they're soft beds, all right.

Gwen: A couple of days ago, I was ready to quit. Now that we're friends again, I never want it to end!

Courtney: I hope we make it to the finale together.

Gwen: What about Scott?

Courtney: He's cool and all, but like you say, you've gotta put friends first.

Gwen: Aww!

Courtney and Gwen: If I don't win the million bucks, I hope you do. [confessional] And I mean it, too!

Cameron: Good morning, Scott.

Scott: No, it's not. These walls are way too thick. Speak up!

Cameron: Well, as long as Sierra's far, far away, I'm good.

Scott: Don't be too sure. Just 'cause she's gone don't mean you're safe.

Cameron: [confessional] Being on the villains team is so nerve-wracking. I've been sleeping with one eye open and now I can't blink it! See?!

Scott: [confessional] I had to throw him off. The heroes are taking over the villains team. Gwen's a wannabe, and with Cam and Courtney, me and Alejandro are outnumbered! If I was back home right now, I'd be barricading myself in the cellar with enough potatoes and toilet paper to last 'til the next millenium!

Duncan: [confessional] Everyone thinks I've gone soft and lost my edge! I'll show them who's gone soft, I'll show them all!

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Duncan: How 'bout a classic skull and crossbones? [laughs]

Zoey: Aww, what a cute bunny!

Duncan: Urgh, don't call me that!

Zoey: I was talking about your painting.

Duncan: Huh? Ah, it's not a bunny! It's emotional graffiti! Ugh! Ah...

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Duncan: Ugh, I'll show them! [grumbles] Whatever! [gasps] That's it! I'll drive Chef's ride into the ocean! Then we'll see who's not a delinquent!

[engine stalls]

Duncan: Huh, there must be something with the starter. Let's see...

[metal clanking]

[engine starts]

Chris: [over loudspeaker] Attention campers! Please gather round front! Right where Duncan's being all sweet!

Duncan: Agh, no I'm not!

Chef: Duncan! You fixed my Jeep! You're a good kid!

Duncan: [confessional] Ugh!

Cameron: Wow. You survived a whole night all alone on Boney Island without so much as a scratch? I'm impressed. How'd you pull it off?

Alejandro: It is all about attitude.

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[bear growls]

Alejandro: My, your breath is powerful. It is almost as compelling as your eyes. The only eyes more compelling than yours are those of that gopher.

[bear growls]

[gopher squeaks]

Alejandro: [voiceover] Survival was easy.

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Alejandro: Also, I have a special way with animals.

Chris: [through megaphone] Enough with the self-promotion, Al! [normal] I have a big announcement. Today, the teams are being merged!

[all gasp]

Chris: That's right! From now on, challenges are for individual winners only. And everyone is at risk of getting the not-so-royal flush.

[phone rings]

Chris: I have to take this. It's my stylist. Yeah! How come my socks don't match my shirt?

Zoey: Stick together no matter what?

Cameron: Friendship finale, version 2.0, here we come!

Mal: [as Mike] Hey, um, can I get in on that?

Cameron: [unsure] Of course! [confessional] For now...

Zoey: [confessional] Duncan thinks Mike's just an alternate personality for an evil guy he met in juvy named Mal. Well, maybe Mal is one of Mike's alternate personalities, but no way is it the other way around! Anyway, Mike's in control again. Just ask the tarot. What's next for Mike? The lonely prisoner, the creepy tower, and the evil leprechaun? Meh, I couldn't remember all the cards, so I made a few up.

Mal: [confessional] It's so easy to imitate Mike, not even Zoey has a clue I'm not him. I should've done this years ago. [evil chuckle]

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[Mike's mind]

Mike: [grunting] Come on! Ugh... [grunting] Ah! Man, what a drag! Ooh, wait. What's with the top of that tower? It kinda looks like...

[Who? Who? Who? Who? Who? Who?]

Mike: Yes!

[Why? Why? Why?]

Mike: Because! Chester! Are you... selling skateboards?

Chester: Eh, it was Mal's idea.

Mike: [gasps] Maybe you could help me fight him and get control of my mind again!

Chester: Who, Mal? Oh, why he's the whippiest snapping whippersnapper that ever snapped a--

Mike: Chester! Will you help me?

Chester: Eh... ah, what the heck! I'm with ya, Mike!

Mike: All right, let's go! To the weird, creepy tower!

Chester: Yay! Aw, boy. This is gonna probably end badly.

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Chris: Mm-hmm. Yeah. Guy thinks I'm colorblind. As if! Anywho, this week's challenge is a regatta around the island!

Duncan: A re-what-a?

Chris: Regatta? It's a boat race?

Duncan: So why didn't you say that?

Chris: Because I'm classy. Hello! First person to successfully circumnavigate the entire island wins immunity and a night at the spa hotel. Don't worry. Chef will keep things interesting by providing some "obstacles" for you.

Gwen: [gasps]

Scott: [gasps]

Chris: [chuckles]